How life has changed over the years. How time has robbed my certainty, how it has stolen my passion and loves from me. I can never get back what has been lost, but nothing is really ever lost, it simply changes so much that it can no longer be recognized. My faith or lack there of being a prime example. So I have lost touch with my Christian friends... well, they have lost touch with me as well. People can only love what loves them. They can only love what is like themselves. Some who have more patience can tolerate someone with problems to a certain extent, but each tub must stand on its own bottom. People can only help so much, then you have to help yourself. I wish someone could help me through life, but I am alone. If I cannot do that which every other Christian does it must be because I don't love God. I am mad at Christians. I am mad at their happy worry free lives. I am mad that they have so few concerns that they can be concerned about the world. Can't they see that grace and mercy are products of wealth? Nobody cares if a homeless man is kind and generous hearted, when all he can give is himself.
The broken man can only offer brokenness and nobody wants that. How can i find love in the midst of brokenness? Can anyone love me as I am now? Can anyone see anything of value in me? I am sad because I want a wife. Sad because I strove to be pure for so long, thinking my striving was seen by God, that he would reward my diligence with a good women. Now it is to late. I have defiled my self and lost my virginity at the age of 25. I have given up. I was not satisfied by having sex. Actually since then I have had more pain and regret than I know how to deal with. Please don't tell me how God works and how I shouldn't work for rewards that God is all I should want or need, that is all a lie. Everybody works for rewards and everything expects good from God. It is only those who are born into bad lives that expect bad. Someone from a rich family isn't afraid there won't be food in the morning only the poor family worries about that. I know I should have been patient, that 5 years is not a long wait, but I didn't. I blew it. My life is a mess and I don't know who to turn to or what to do. I right this now with a slim hope that somone will read it and see past the inadequecy of my words and see my heart and upon seeing it, understand it. I want to be understood and loved. I have had many people in the past understand me, but I can't embrace them, I can't commit myself to them. I want to pour out pure and unashamed love for one women and have that reciprocated. Is there anyone else like me? Is there anyone who cares?