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Life for me comes in small realizations, These precious moments where I see what a selfish fraud I really am. I say this realizing all of my struggles; I daily battle with lust, laziness, course joking, envy, jealousy, and Pride. Mainly pride, Pride is one that sprouts up anywhere we allow it too. Self-control in the Bible is not the self-control we have come to embrace in our day and age. The self-control spoken of in the Bible is one that realizes that our self is one given over to complete submission, holiness, and obedience to our Maker. The Bible is pleat with scripture to show we are to deny ourselves for His sake by the obedience of our spirit to that of the Holy Spirit. When the word of God speaks of Casting all our cares upon Him, I believe it means to realize our absolute need for Jesus at all times. 1 Peter 5:7 says; "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." You see, by refusing to cast our cares upon Christ we are actually affirming our sovereignty. God is a consuming fire, if we labor to build a throne room off of materials we gather outside of Him, they shall be utterly destroyed. Only when we spend our lives building up the Body of Christ and building up the throne room of our hearts using His tools, His materials, and His blueprints. Will we find that the Consuming fire of His Presence finds a Worthy seat in our hearts. Do we really consider it a small doctrinal matter that the Creator of the Universe, not only redeemed our unworthy lives to Himself; He makes our hearts His dwelling place? Sometimes it seems this way.
I was asked today why God does not speak plainly to us, why doesn't he just tell us what everything means? After thinking about the question only shortly I replied; "He does speak to us plainly! I realized at that moment that the Bible is speaking of something so vast and incomprehensible that the only way we can understand is through Allegory and Parable. Jesus employed this method for everyone, in the same way a parent (an honest parent) will use the death of a goldfish to help a small child understand the reality of death. God uses all of creation, all spoken words, and all emotion to express something eternal to us. Great writers understand this well, Dostoyevsky exposed the fraudulence of the humanist philosophies by revealing the sin ridden heart of man in Crime and Punishment. C.S. Lewis explains the Awesomeness of Heaven in the story of a bus ride to it, in the Great Divorce. John Bunyan the depths of Grace in the story of a man on a journey to rid himself of a burden in A Pilgrims Progress. George MacDonald, Madeleine 'L Engle, G.K. Chesterson, are all trying to express the inexpressible through fantasy or mystery. Most of the grand truths these writers attempt to convey are truths revealed to them by the Spirit of God dwelling in there own hearts. Well, I will sleep now hoping to learn more about our glorious Savior in the coming days, weeks, and years. I hope to express the Mysteries of Christ as He makes Himself known to my Awestruck heart according to His will.

There is a whirlwind of emotions telling of my thought life this past two weeks, in this one instance, in this time of refining, my environment paralleled my own thoughts. I went to the "field" as I said I would in my last post. The field means going out into nature to do training for us Marines. That we did, for eight long and somewhat boring days to master our ability to set up communications on the move. As far as the Marine Corps goes I think riding around the mountains and playing on radios was a success. I learned a lot about how things operate in an artillery unit. The pace is much faster and the gravity of our training much more real. This is because we all know that very soon all our war games in the woods here at home; will be real. On a much more personal level concerning my "Bio's" or work life, I have been dealing with a substantial level of stress. I am in a position where the Marine Corps wants me to be a leader. I have come to realize that leadership is one of the most important aspects of being a Marine. Only there is a slight dichotomy between the ideals of Marine Corps leadership and the actual expectations of my superiors. Justice, judgment, decisiveness, initiative, dependability, tact, integrity, enthusiasm, bearing, unselfishness, courage, knowledge, loyalty, endurance these are the 14 leadership traits which are ideally what the Marine Corps expects from us. There are also leadership principles as follows: Know yourself and seek self-improvement.
Be technically and tactically proficient.
Develop a sense of responsibility among your subordinates.
Make sound and timely decisions.
Set the example.
Know your Marines and look out for their welfare.
Keep your Marines informed.
Seek responsibility and take responsibility for your actions.
Ensure assigned tasks are understood, supervised, and accomplished.
Train your Marines as a team.
Employ your command in accordance with its capabilities.

Now, all of these guidelines give the impression of greatness or a certain level of integrity in the Marines at least. But this is not what I have seen in my three short years in. I will not go into all of the details for much of trials overcome I believe have made me a stronger man. Much of the trials are to be my reward and I would not miss my reward because of my many carnal inclinatations. I will say that the leadership expected of me is of the "train or pain" kind. Where I should raise my voice and punish for the slightest offenses, as well as teach by micro-managing. My boss has a problem with me asking for other grown men to work instead of ordering them. I will leave my grievance here, at the superficial level, because my pain in this area is already in God's hands. Someday, when I can tell of it all with a clean heart; I will.
I am no storyteller, for if I where I could explain how the hectic work schedule paralleled my own spiritual battles. Humm.... I do not think I sound cryptic only vague, I guess because I can explain with speech, my heart much easier than by writing. I mentioned that the field was somewhat boring. I should have said that when the work tempo slowed which it did when we finished our initial set up at each sight, we relaxed.
During the hard times I made up my mind to give my all to God. This means that during the down time I not only gave my all to God I was able to meditate on who He is. Lying every night in a sleeping bag under the great expanse of the heavens, I was able to think of a life hyphenated by Christ. Full of goodness and purity and honesty and truth and gentleness and hope and love and peace and joy.... and on and on. I am a broken man my spirit submitted completely to His, I cry tears that wash away all doubt and uncertainty, I cry knowing that He knows my steps. The true miracle is the freedom I now feel from my analytical mind. Faith is breathing, being, giving, dying, and becoming one with Him as He is one with the Father. Jesus Christ, My Lord!
I have always been hopeful romantic, always looking to God to bless me in this area. I wanted a wife after His heart. Yes, I still do.... Now my desire for a wife is pure. I can look at my friends Justin and Megan falling in love and say Amen! I can look at my friends Wendell and Mandy and say Amen! I can read of Sandy's thought life leading to love and find a likeness to my own pursuit and say Amen again to her giving it to God and not having it return void. My giving up is much the same as hers and much the same as my Justin’s and Megan's who unfortunately have never known my thoughts of Joy concerning the purity, honesty, and rawness of there love, because such expression from me would be easily misunderstood. I gave up this past week, I put down my burden and truly picked up the cross.... I do not care about anything but living deliberately, purposefully, and joyful for the Gospel of Christ now. I will be genuinely ME from now on; I will take the course, which I know has always plainly been before me, and give up on a life hyphenated by self and focus on self-mortification. I know this is a long post but if you are willing continue and read this excerpt from Thomas a' Kempis the 3rd book of Imitation of Christ:
The Thirty-First Chapter
TO FIND THE CREATOR, FORSAKE ALL CREATURES
THE DISCIPLE
O LORD, I am in sore need still of greater grace if I am to arrive at the point where no man and no created thing can be an obstacle to me. For as long as anything holds me back, I cannot freely fly to You. He that said "Oh that I had wings like a dove, that I might fly away and be at rest!"[35] desired to fly freely to You. Who is more at rest than he who aims at nothing but God? And who more free than the man who desires nothing on earth?

It is well, then, to pass over all creation, perfectly to abandon self, and to see in ecstasy of mind that You, the Creator of all, have no likeness among all Your creatures, and that unless a man be freed from all creatures, he cannot attend freely to the Divine. The reason why so few contemplative persons are found, is that so few know how to separate themselves entirely from what is transitory and created.

For this, indeed, great grace is needed, grace that will raise the soul and lift it up above itself. Unless a man be elevated in spirit, free from all creatures, and completely united to God, all his knowledge and possessions are of little moment. He who considers anything great except the one, immense, eternal good will long be little and lie groveling on the earth. Whatever is not God is nothing and must be accounted as nothing.

There is great difference between the wisdom of an enlightened and devout man and the learning of a well-read and brilliant scholar, for the knowledge which flows down from divine sources is much nobler than that laboriously acquired by human industry.

Many there are who desire contemplation, but who do not care to do the things which contemplation requires. It is also a great obstacle to be satisfied with externals and sensible things, and to have so little of perfect mortification. I know not what it is, or by what spirit we are led, or to what we pretend -- we who wish to be called spiritual -- that we spend so much labor and even more anxiety on things that are transitory and mean, while we seldom or never advert with full consciousness to our interior concerns.

Alas, after very little recollection we falter, not weighing our deeds by strict examination. We pay no attention to where our affections lie, nor do we deplore the fact that our actions are impure.

Remember that because all flesh had corrupted its course, the great deluge followed. Since, then, our interior affection is corrupt, it must be that the action which follows from it, the index as it were of our lack of inward strength, is also corrupt. Out of a pure heart come the fruits of a good life.

People are wont to ask how much a man has done, but they think little of the virtue with which he acts. They ask: Is he strong? rich? handsome? a good writer? a good singer? or a good worker? They say little, however, about how poor he is in spirit, how patient and meek, how devout and spiritual. Nature looks to his outward appearance; grace turns to his inward being. The one often errs, the other trusts in God and is not deceived.

First on to the light matters... I will be leaving for some field training tomorrow that will last for one week. That means I will not be able to have internet access, which is a good thing I think I look here to often to fill a certain void in my heart. Anyways I have fully registered my car now all I have to do is figure out how to do my budget. Oh well, since I already metioned money I might as well make a confession.... I have no sense of financial responsibility at all, I just hope the money is there when I pay my bills. Just wanted to air some more of my apparent flaws maybe doing so will help to change them.
Ok, on to my thought life! I really thank Joyce for the sight with Ravi's MP3 material the "understanding the spirit of our age" lecture by Dr. Zacharias really helped me to see a huge error I have embraced. That is to say my search for self fulfillment and all that it entails. I look back on most of my writing and most of my reading now and don't see service to God, but a quest to understand the longings within me. Honestly, the further I search into my own heart the blacker I find it to be and the more distraught I become. This is because there is nothing good in man. Our natural inclination is towards self, what is better known as pride. Only in seeking to draw closer to Christ (which means denying myself) can I become truly real. I miss many loves in my life, most of them I have never experienced. Strange as it may sound the longings I have within me cannot be fulfilled by always looking within myself. These longings I feel are from heaven, so heavenward I must turn my gaze. I am not home yet that is what I know, this is what I learn fro the Bible. Jesus Christ promises that he has prepared a place for us so let us hope in that.
Here I am! No longer will I feel bad because I do not always feel love, as Sandy pointed out love is so much more than feelings... Joyce is right about Sandy's words you can expand them to all forms of love not only romantic love. The implications of having love for Christ accentuated by those we love is phenomenal! As I have said we only become who we are meant to be by denying ourselves, taking up our crosses and following Christ. Jesus Christ loved the whole world! He died for us who were not deserving of Him! Could we not love in the same way? Feed the hungry, clothe the naked, correct wrongs, or to be more specific.... Forgive those who are in your debt in some way not only financially. Invite strangers over to your home for dinner. If a man asked for your coat give him also your cloak. Heck, you could even tell someone about Jesus and help bring them to Christ, then of course give all of the glory to God.
Let us LIVE for Christ.... We could spend our lives on any cause really, any social issue which vexes us now and our lives would not be wasted, so long as we love our brothers and sisters as ourselves. I desire to draw closer to Him and in doing so learn to love my Neighbor. Pray for me as I will be praying for all of you...... Well my one fan that stops in occasionally.... Unless that is just me checking in from a different computer hehehe oh well! I pray that from now on that God may be glorified through my blogger I am sorry for those of you I may have discouraged in the past. I must also apologize for how unorganized this post is I hope the reader can understand it.

Well, it is high time I wrote something in my blogger. There is so much I could write about that happend in my short lived vacation. Short lived becuase I know how much I accomplished. I am now the proud owner of a 2001 Nissan Sentra a relative steal 37,000mi, fully loaded for only 7,300 dollars. I have been building and fostering many relationships with solid Christians who are on fire for the Lord. Been realizing more and more my purpose in serving God, as well as coming to a better understanding of the wonderful work Christ has done in my life. I got to see Lupe and Sandy which was cool all the way from Korea, Many of my friends from Okinawa are living in Oceanside. I met the lead singer of Switchfoot you know the one who wrote the music for the movie A walk to remember, He was a really cool guy and a solid Christian. Well, I am on duty right now and reading This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti (I think that is how you spell his name) I will write more about what it has helped me to realize later right now I better get back to "work".