There is a whirlwind of emotions telling of my thought life this past two weeks, in this one instance, in this time of refining, my environment paralleled my own thoughts. I went to the "field" as I said I would in my last post. The field means going out into nature to do training for us Marines. That we did, for eight long and somewhat boring days to master our ability to set up communications on the move. As far as the Marine Corps goes I think riding around the mountains and playing on radios was a success. I learned a lot about how things operate in an artillery unit. The pace is much faster and the gravity of our training much more real. This is because we all know that very soon all our war games in the woods here at home; will be real. On a much more personal level concerning my "Bio's" or work life, I have been dealing with a substantial level of stress. I am in a position where the Marine Corps wants me to be a leader. I have come to realize that leadership is one of the most important aspects of being a Marine. Only there is a slight dichotomy between the ideals of Marine Corps leadership and the actual expectations of my superiors. Justice, judgment, decisiveness, initiative, dependability, tact, integrity, enthusiasm, bearing, unselfishness, courage, knowledge, loyalty, endurance these are the 14 leadership traits which are ideally what the Marine Corps expects from us. There are also leadership principles as follows: Know yourself and seek self-improvement.
Be technically and tactically proficient.
Develop a sense of responsibility among your subordinates.
Make sound and timely decisions.
Set the example.
Know your Marines and look out for their welfare.
Keep your Marines informed.
Seek responsibility and take responsibility for your actions.
Ensure assigned tasks are understood, supervised, and accomplished.
Train your Marines as a team.
Employ your command in accordance with its capabilities.

Now, all of these guidelines give the impression of greatness or a certain level of integrity in the Marines at least. But this is not what I have seen in my three short years in. I will not go into all of the details for much of trials overcome I believe have made me a stronger man. Much of the trials are to be my reward and I would not miss my reward because of my many carnal inclinatations. I will say that the leadership expected of me is of the "train or pain" kind. Where I should raise my voice and punish for the slightest offenses, as well as teach by micro-managing. My boss has a problem with me asking for other grown men to work instead of ordering them. I will leave my grievance here, at the superficial level, because my pain in this area is already in God's hands. Someday, when I can tell of it all with a clean heart; I will.
I am no storyteller, for if I where I could explain how the hectic work schedule paralleled my own spiritual battles. Humm.... I do not think I sound cryptic only vague, I guess because I can explain with speech, my heart much easier than by writing. I mentioned that the field was somewhat boring. I should have said that when the work tempo slowed which it did when we finished our initial set up at each sight, we relaxed.
During the hard times I made up my mind to give my all to God. This means that during the down time I not only gave my all to God I was able to meditate on who He is. Lying every night in a sleeping bag under the great expanse of the heavens, I was able to think of a life hyphenated by Christ. Full of goodness and purity and honesty and truth and gentleness and hope and love and peace and joy.... and on and on. I am a broken man my spirit submitted completely to His, I cry tears that wash away all doubt and uncertainty, I cry knowing that He knows my steps. The true miracle is the freedom I now feel from my analytical mind. Faith is breathing, being, giving, dying, and becoming one with Him as He is one with the Father. Jesus Christ, My Lord!
I have always been hopeful romantic, always looking to God to bless me in this area. I wanted a wife after His heart. Yes, I still do.... Now my desire for a wife is pure. I can look at my friends Justin and Megan falling in love and say Amen! I can look at my friends Wendell and Mandy and say Amen! I can read of Sandy's thought life leading to love and find a likeness to my own pursuit and say Amen again to her giving it to God and not having it return void. My giving up is much the same as hers and much the same as my Justin’s and Megan's who unfortunately have never known my thoughts of Joy concerning the purity, honesty, and rawness of there love, because such expression from me would be easily misunderstood. I gave up this past week, I put down my burden and truly picked up the cross.... I do not care about anything but living deliberately, purposefully, and joyful for the Gospel of Christ now. I will be genuinely ME from now on; I will take the course, which I know has always plainly been before me, and give up on a life hyphenated by self and focus on self-mortification. I know this is a long post but if you are willing continue and read this excerpt from Thomas a' Kempis the 3rd book of Imitation of Christ:
The Thirty-First Chapter
TO FIND THE CREATOR, FORSAKE ALL CREATURES
THE DISCIPLE
O LORD, I am in sore need still of greater grace if I am to arrive at the point where no man and no created thing can be an obstacle to me. For as long as anything holds me back, I cannot freely fly to You. He that said "Oh that I had wings like a dove, that I might fly away and be at rest!"[35] desired to fly freely to You. Who is more at rest than he who aims at nothing but God? And who more free than the man who desires nothing on earth?

It is well, then, to pass over all creation, perfectly to abandon self, and to see in ecstasy of mind that You, the Creator of all, have no likeness among all Your creatures, and that unless a man be freed from all creatures, he cannot attend freely to the Divine. The reason why so few contemplative persons are found, is that so few know how to separate themselves entirely from what is transitory and created.

For this, indeed, great grace is needed, grace that will raise the soul and lift it up above itself. Unless a man be elevated in spirit, free from all creatures, and completely united to God, all his knowledge and possessions are of little moment. He who considers anything great except the one, immense, eternal good will long be little and lie groveling on the earth. Whatever is not God is nothing and must be accounted as nothing.

There is great difference between the wisdom of an enlightened and devout man and the learning of a well-read and brilliant scholar, for the knowledge which flows down from divine sources is much nobler than that laboriously acquired by human industry.

Many there are who desire contemplation, but who do not care to do the things which contemplation requires. It is also a great obstacle to be satisfied with externals and sensible things, and to have so little of perfect mortification. I know not what it is, or by what spirit we are led, or to what we pretend -- we who wish to be called spiritual -- that we spend so much labor and even more anxiety on things that are transitory and mean, while we seldom or never advert with full consciousness to our interior concerns.

Alas, after very little recollection we falter, not weighing our deeds by strict examination. We pay no attention to where our affections lie, nor do we deplore the fact that our actions are impure.

Remember that because all flesh had corrupted its course, the great deluge followed. Since, then, our interior affection is corrupt, it must be that the action which follows from it, the index as it were of our lack of inward strength, is also corrupt. Out of a pure heart come the fruits of a good life.

People are wont to ask how much a man has done, but they think little of the virtue with which he acts. They ask: Is he strong? rich? handsome? a good writer? a good singer? or a good worker? They say little, however, about how poor he is in spirit, how patient and meek, how devout and spiritual. Nature looks to his outward appearance; grace turns to his inward being. The one often errs, the other trusts in God and is not deceived.