Chances are I will be writing in my blogger a whole lot in the next few months. This is becuase I am a part of the remain behind element of our field exercise. Right now, I am a part of a field artillery unit. That translated into normal language is, really big guns! Personally, I am a switchboard operator that is the reason I am here at the CP "command post" and not doing the whole "shoot, move, comunicate" thing. The Marine Corps has systematically blocked almost every internet site that I enjoy. Well, Yahoo email and www.homestarrunner.com I love strongbad emails. BUT, They have completely missed the blogging domain and right now I am on night shift, which means just me, good books, and a computer all night.
So far since coming to 29 palms I have read Leo Tolstoy "The Death Of Ivan Ilych, Family Happiness, The Kreutzer Sonata, Master and Man" you guessed it short stories. I have not read War and Peace or Anna Karenina yet, although I have made a few futile attempts. I made it through the "The Kingdom Of God Is Within You" in which he states his stance on non-resistence, Tolstoyian philosophy, or theology if you will. Other books I have been able to read at my leisure here are; Pearl S. Buck, "the Good Earth" I found three of her books for 6 dollars at a used bookstore. I spend about 60 dollars a month on books, needless to say I am amassing a large library. I really enjoy wandering though bookstores seeking after treasures hidden amidst the mundane. My normal companion's in these ventures are Justin, Eric, Willy, or Russ. I digress, Shusaku Endo, "The Samurai" The story is very powerful, I discovered the book in a J-town mall in Los Angeles. He is the only Japanese Christian Novelist I have ever heard of and I would recommend him to anyone. The way he spoke to my heart through the ambitious Franciscian Monk Velasco in his battle against personal conquest and God's will is meaningful to me. In the end through Martyrdom he found peace with God, sometimes I feel this is the only sacrifice that will suffice for someone as hardhearted as myself. Next, on the list is Harry Conn, "Four Trojan Horses" The four Trojan horses are Sociological, Political, Psychological, and Theological. In this book he concisely states how Humanism has made so much headway in our society and under what guises. His contention is that the root of our philosophical despair today lies in the subject/object debate that came from the Eurpoean Philosophers. He actual traces the root back further than Francis Shaeffer who takes it back to Hegel's Dialectic and the abandonment of the antithesis/thesis thinking. Finally, John Stott's "Between Two Worlds" I am amazed at how Scholastic the book is in it's coverage of the history of Preaching, as well as the Preeminence of the word of of God. If you read this please don't hassle me about the whole "Annihilationism" debate concerning John Stott much of which is most likely a misunderstanding, for the most part, the guy is solid I think?
Arrgh.... So I have done it again, I was trying to make my blogger a little more like other people's. By saying things like: I am at such and such place, had a good day, family is doing well,etc. than possibly throwing in a funny story from work, or something that my freinds and I have done or plan to do, to boot. As you can see from the gross spectacle of who knows what above; I have failed. Seriously, I have reread my post from last night and now ask myself. "Come on James, you are not serious are you?" Ouitside of the blogger domain I am still serious about learning, but, more importantly I am a fairly big dork, I play hacky-sack, chess and ping-pong. I have an overbearing form of sarcasm that becomes apparent in the form of tall-tales I like to tell in the hopes of insighting laughter. I am an overtly animated person when it comes to story telling, I love using a loud boisterous voice as well as to much facial expression and body language. I can spend whole nights just hanging out singing praise songs or buckling down for some serious God talk. I really do not like to watch TV at all, although ocassionally I will watch a movie or two.
I really think my freinds are being courteous when putting up with my regular antics, which I affectionately call from Seinfeld "unbridled enthusiasm". I enjoy sitting in coffee shops, but do not like the whole college age group who find it necesary to wax intellectually refined and voice an opinion on every pop subject, by quoting one liner truisms seemingly straight from Dr. Phil. I am anti-MTV as well as anti-reality TV, which is an area of disagreement between many of my peers who do not see the harm in such stuff. I do not go around condemning people who do watch such things though, but if asked I will tell them what I think. Basically, I do not make my personal preferences a requirement for others you know the law of Moses, law of Christ debate.
Being a man I battle with pride, lust, lonliness, and depression, from my own sin, lack of compassion and lack of witnessing to my brothers in the Marines. I am very worried about my family coming to know the Lord and have constant concern for what the future holds. I desire to live passionately and unashamed for the Gospel of Christ, but daily fail to even act like a Christian. I am horrible at keeping in touch with freinds and family and procrastinate horribly when it comes to reading the word and praying. I need you Lord! so much, Lord you are so merciful, I thank you Jesus for the cross. Lord let me serve you sincerely I set all of these my sins before you and ask you to take them from me... the weight of my own sin has destroyed me, without you in my life I am lost... I desire you more than riches or fame, help me to live for you I ask all of this in your almightly name, In the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen

So here I am in lovely 29 Palms, California, the sign upon leaving the Marine Corps base says; "29 Palms, an oasis of murals". The one who spoke such words spoke truth, the receipt of which is the cool breezy evenings. It is during these mild evenings that the waning sun seems determined to show forth it's final brilliance, in an effort to ward off the impeding night. This is accomplished in rich layers of orange red hues that expound upon the majesty of the craggy mountains to the north. The before mentioned sunset, coupled with the gluttonous night sky, full to excess of the starry hosts, dawns realization. These remote beacons that have guided mankind upon the high seas from times nearly beyond recollection, are indicators of a glory greater than themselves; a glory that leaves mankind without excuse or recourse.
Strange to me that in my youth I looked up to the ever faithful heavens already knowing that beauty was an intrinsic part of life. Now, as I grow older I find I have to squint to see the stars and the beauty of them I almost have to internally compose. (in part because I lost my glasses) Why now should I have to strive to realize wonder and beauty in life, where in my youth it came naturally? I blame sin, categorically speaking, all sin, original, personal, and all other categories one finds fitting. Am I so deluded that I must have grand rhetoric in excess to appease my need? At times I truly fear this could be. Then I ask... What is the point in lamenting the loss of wonder and by who's definition am I defining wonder? I believe if I am clear enough in trying to state a very vague point, I am defining wonder from the standpoint of a child, without ever stating a definition. Well..., here is the definition according to the dictionary:
One that arouses awe, astonishment, surprise, or admiration; a marvel: “The decision of one age or country is a wonder to another” (John Stuart Mill).
The emotion aroused by something awe-inspiring, astounding, or marvelous: gazed with wonder at the northern lights.
An event inexplicable by the laws of nature; a miracle.
A feeling of puzzlement or doubt.
often Wonder A monumental human creation regarded with awe, especially one of seven monuments of the ancient world that appeared on various lists of late antiquity.
This brings me to my realization of wonder as a man. God in all of His majesty, glory, strength and loving kindness is wonderful! The more I search the depths of love and mercy of God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit dwelling within me, the more I sacrifice myself for the gospels sake, the better I am able to receive wonder with thanksgiving. The true wonder is expressed here for me; "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord who is the Spirit". As I contrast the wonder I now behold, with the things thought wonderful in my youth, I realize they are both good. As I am being transformed into His likeness I am able to see life in a new light. As a child I did not understand what sacrificial love meant and even now only have a conceptual understanding of it. Even this dim understanding is enough to stir a desire to realize experientially "gift love" in my own being. So the wonder I now posses becomes clear in the love between a man and a women, in seeking to understand the rational mind of God, and in the hope that all I do, can and will be for the glory of God.
Just today two events occurred that put a rebuke on my heart. The first was right away in the morning as I woke up the Marines who work under me to get ready for the work day. One of the being PFC Josh Flamez a very good natured young man who happens to be a brother in Christ. He had a attitude problem in the morning to say the least. Normally such would incur the full wrath of an NCO in the Marine Corps, but, since I am a "civilian trapped in a Marines body" I handled a little lighter, which was just a firm warning to change his attitude. This same man young man was found later hiding in between two humvee's (hummer's) crying. When asked a reason why, he said that his parents were getting a divorce. Lesson to be learned from this; be more sensitive and less judgmental. The second happened this evening after returning from a Bible study, I was standing by some of the people I work with still holding my Bible and one of my Marines asked why I was going to Bible study and at the same time talking bad about the "Gunny" and E-7 in the Marines, I am an E-4. He also mentioned how a few days back I had drank a few beers, this I did just intending to be sociable never suspecting that it would cause offense. Mind you I only drank 4 over the course of the day and night, but, I believe the love of Christ compels me to " Let my light so shine before men..." How desperately I need you mercy Lord! I am come casting everything before you, laying all of my burdens down. Lord I believe, yet help my unbelief. Lord I trust, may this trust manifest action. My Wonderful Counselor, my only hope, break this heart of stone so that I may love as you first loved. I ask in faith an obedience to your word, knowing that you are a God who hears the prayers of His people. I ask all of these things in Christ name. Amen

Phew! I just got back out of the field this morning and worked like crazy while in the field. Uh... I won't even bother trying to explain what we as Marines do in the field, so in the mean time just stick to the whole war movie ideal. I cannot explain anything in writing, I think becuase I am such an animated person well speaking. Here are my upcoming plans for this year...

-Go to 29 Palms, CA till may 15th, leave on the 14th of this month.
-On the 16th of May Drive home to Nebraska, stay for 30 days.
-June 20th go and do some infantry training for Iraq
-Early Sept go to the big sandbox across the sea for 5 months
-March 11th 2005 GET OUT OF THE MARINE CORPS!

Well, I am to tired to write any serious thoughts out right now. Need to go soak in my last 2 days of freedom before the Marine Corps pulls my leash. For whoever reads this please pray that I can keep my focus on Christ alone in these upcoming months. Ultimately He is the only one that matters in my life. Meaning that any TRUE love or TRUE concern I have for what is going on outside my small sphere of existence is based completely upon him. The love that James has to offer is the opposite of 1 Corinth 13. enough God Bless...

1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Lord my God, you have spoken in the stillness of this morning through Scott, this man whom I cast aside with a hurried theological response many months ago. Not a very good one at that. Never once giving pause to consider from what depths such pain and anger can issue. Scott, you may never read this entry, but I ask sincerely for your forgiveness.
Now, I commence to a pseudo-defense of my position, although not for anyone else, but for my own conscience sake alone. I have been a Christian for 4 years now and in this short time, there’s been a complete transformation in my life from the man that I once was, to the transcendent bastard child who has found a home. I do not remember if I have ever explained my position on my blogger, for the most part I use this as an outlet for painful moments or pitiful reflection; In essence, what I am doing now. I grew up in a family of imperfect parents. My father and step mother where still to busy living the party life to pay their children any mind. I know my Dad truly laments this fact and desperately wishes he could redeem those years lost. Neglect caused me more pain than anything in my life did. Like all children, I wanted nothing more than my fathers’ acceptance, or at least his notice. My real mother died when I was 2 or 3, so I never really knew her besides a few memories that I am not sure I haven't completely made up and convinced myself of.
I was the unwanted son, never fully loved, hated for my slowness and always knowing this to be true. The reality is because of generations past and the sins of my ancestors my own father did not himself know love. Although he is still responsible for his actions as I am for mine. I remember with stinging clarity being called worthless, good for nothing, stupid, retarded, even unwanted. Many of these they said in an off hand manner, but there was a level of sincerity when mingled with my inability to perform in school. I was a "special" child never really fitting in, but desperately seeking approval. For this reason, I became the class clown, performing extraordinary stunts and waxing foolish for the praise of my peers. There was abuse also; although it was consummated by physical acts at times, the words normally did unrepairable damage long before the hitting occurred.
I found the notice and acceptance I was looking for by theft, running away, and by drugs when I had turned 12yrs old. I spent the ages 13 to 16 in and out of jail and homes, on and off the streets, feeling out of touch and out of control I wandered the way of the lost. These years were filled with darkness and pain. I began to hate God and I said, "If he were real he would not allow such suffering, or at least he would not allow me this life so undeserved.” This hatred for the misconception that I knew as God spurred in me an intense desire to find out true truth. When I was 15 and at home, on probation, a wonderful Christian woman named Barb Sayer had compassion on me and paid my way to go to a Young Life camp in Colorado for one week. I remember in my time there how I would go hide in the hills in the evenings as the "preaching" was going on. It was there that a group of Young Life counselors found me and just talked with me. I expressed all of my doubts while they listened attentively and considered their answers. In the end, the statement that has changed the course of my life was "Many of the greatest minds have spent there entire lives searching for answers to the questions you have asked and many of them have come to believe in Jesus Christ." So I searched... although my search was wrong headed, it was as honest an attempt as I could make. I spend the next couple of years diving off the deep end with LSD, cocaine, and any other hard drugs you can think of. In that time, I decided that God could not be God because of evil in the world. Within these drugs, I found traces of something greater, something that would finally bring me fulfillment and acceptance. In reality, I escaped life as it stood, with all of its pain and heartbreak. I contemplated deeply as I could all matters pertaining to life and in the end found something very disturbing to me. I realized that no matter what escapist mentality I held too, I could never escape death. There were various methods but the same awful conclusion, my inability to know and this leap into the dark, struck fear into the very fiber of my being.
Unlike many others, I do not have a clear-cut conversion story; in fact, I believe my acceptance of Christ to be a culmination of many smaller realizations and submissions. In the end, the result is the same. I do remember one event in particular that I can claim as definitive now in hindsight. I was 19 just out of high school and had been reading God's Word for quite some time well continuing in my same sin filled lifestyle. It was at a small hippie gathering in Lebanon, Missouri that I made a confession of faith. It was here that God dropped the scales from my eyes and allowed me to see evil, here for the first time I realized my absolute need for a Savior. I had traveled down in a van with my cousin, but could not go back up with him for I needed time to sort things out for myself. I decided to hitchhike back and use the long lonely miles on the road to Nebraska to reflect upon this newfound need. By God's all powerful and wonderful counsel it turned out my first three rides where Christian men. I remember expressing to the man who provided the last of these rides just what I was not, by covering a long list of things that could not be the truth. After explaining everything that I was not, he asked one pointed and poignant question. "Well friend, if not any of them then what are you?" I paused for a long while. Before I answered, I already had full assurance of this answer. the word Christian danced on the tip of my heart. Jesus Christ was a song within me I knew would take a lifetime to sing. His Spirit assured me that my sins were forgiven, that all things had become new. Jesus Christ called me friend and He called me brother. Finally, life made sense; yes, one fact remained, that in the end: we all die. This question God very smartly answered in His Word. Galatians 2:20 says, “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I live in the flesh I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me, and delivered Himself up for me.” Colossians 3:3 says, “For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” You see what humanity has realized from ages past has not changed; death is the only way to escape the evils of this world. Everything I tried everything I sought to become on my own power ended in utter failure. I realized that I could not even live up to my own standards (or law) for my life. This is where faith comes into play. Romans 3:21 says, “But now apart from the Law the righteousness of God has been manifested, being witnessed by the law and the prophets, even the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all of those who believe…” Do you understand what this means friend? This means there is nothing we can do, but accept this gift from God. The Word goes onto say, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus.” He has imputed His righteousness in us, imparted in us new life; we are born again. Again, Romans 10:4 says, “for Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone who believes.” 10:9, 10 says, “that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you shall be saved; for with the heart man believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.
At one point in my life this same story I now tell seemed foolish to me, there are times still today when I look at all of the suffering in the world and ask myself if God’s Word is really sufficient to give meaning to the hopelessness I witness daily. You see, my family is poor; even now, my parents are severely in debt, they about to lose the home that has come to mean so much to us. My brother is in prison and no one in my family has really come to know the Lord yet. most everyone in my family still battles with drug addiction, my sisters struggle with sexual abuse suffered growing up (not from my father) and end up in a string of bad relationships. I know I do not need pats on the back about how my home life, I do not want to hear that is will all be ok in the end. Sometimes God’s word sounds too romanticized to be true. It is at these desperate moments that I must be reminded of the truth. The truth is that I found the world to be the lie first. Jesus historically, philosophically, and experientially proves correct. My hope is not of this world and in reality the world is evil because we choose darkness. Sometimes all I need is the assurance that there are those who will pray, those who will have “empathy” or at least a slight understanding, the very thing I failed to do for Scott, the very thing God allowed Scott to realize ontologically through the love of God pouring out of Sandy. It is a great truth, that only when we learn to love that we can know love in return. It seems God has taught Scott this powerfully through the redemptive love that none of us ever really deserve. "GRACE"
For a long time I had bought into the lie that faith is a “leap into the dark” Which meant to me that it was unfounded and ignorant. This same lie coupled with my striving to prove to the world that I am not all of those horrible names that haunted my childhood forced me into a life of learning. At first, I wanted to know to make others look bad. I wanted to show them my prowess in all things “intelligent”. Therefore, for the past four years I have bought and read hundreds of books in order to become refined for the sake of refinement. In many ways, God allowed me the diligence necessary for the undertaking of such frivolous task, despite what my initial motives might have been. You see, He truly uses us for His glorification and the churches edification. Meaning that what I intended for evil He will surely use for Good. Hebrews 9:14 says “how much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit, offered Himself without blemish to God, cleanse your conscience from dead works to serve a living God?” I implore all of you who call upon the name of Jesus to keep looking to the blood of Christ and the cross of Christ for your daily sanctification. Now, I say with a grateful heart “Whom have I in heaven besides thee, and there is none upon the earth I desire besides thee.”