1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Lord my God, you have spoken in the stillness of this morning through Scott, this man whom I cast aside with a hurried theological response many months ago. Not a very good one at that. Never once giving pause to consider from what depths such pain and anger can issue. Scott, you may never read this entry, but I ask sincerely for your forgiveness.
Now, I commence to a pseudo-defense of my position, although not for anyone else, but for my own conscience sake alone. I have been a Christian for 4 years now and in this short time, there’s been a complete transformation in my life from the man that I once was, to the transcendent bastard child who has found a home. I do not remember if I have ever explained my position on my blogger, for the most part I use this as an outlet for painful moments or pitiful reflection; In essence, what I am doing now. I grew up in a family of imperfect parents. My father and step mother where still to busy living the party life to pay their children any mind. I know my Dad truly laments this fact and desperately wishes he could redeem those years lost. Neglect caused me more pain than anything in my life did. Like all children, I wanted nothing more than my fathers’ acceptance, or at least his notice. My real mother died when I was 2 or 3, so I never really knew her besides a few memories that I am not sure I haven't completely made up and convinced myself of.
I was the unwanted son, never fully loved, hated for my slowness and always knowing this to be true. The reality is because of generations past and the sins of my ancestors my own father did not himself know love. Although he is still responsible for his actions as I am for mine. I remember with stinging clarity being called worthless, good for nothing, stupid, retarded, even unwanted. Many of these they said in an off hand manner, but there was a level of sincerity when mingled with my inability to perform in school. I was a "special" child never really fitting in, but desperately seeking approval. For this reason, I became the class clown, performing extraordinary stunts and waxing foolish for the praise of my peers. There was abuse also; although it was consummated by physical acts at times, the words normally did unrepairable damage long before the hitting occurred.
I found the notice and acceptance I was looking for by theft, running away, and by drugs when I had turned 12yrs old. I spent the ages 13 to 16 in and out of jail and homes, on and off the streets, feeling out of touch and out of control I wandered the way of the lost. These years were filled with darkness and pain. I began to hate God and I said, "If he were real he would not allow such suffering, or at least he would not allow me this life so undeserved.” This hatred for the misconception that I knew as God spurred in me an intense desire to find out true truth. When I was 15 and at home, on probation, a wonderful Christian woman named Barb Sayer had compassion on me and paid my way to go to a Young Life camp in Colorado for one week. I remember in my time there how I would go hide in the hills in the evenings as the "preaching" was going on. It was there that a group of Young Life counselors found me and just talked with me. I expressed all of my doubts while they listened attentively and considered their answers. In the end, the statement that has changed the course of my life was "Many of the greatest minds have spent there entire lives searching for answers to the questions you have asked and many of them have come to believe in Jesus Christ." So I searched... although my search was wrong headed, it was as honest an attempt as I could make. I spend the next couple of years diving off the deep end with LSD, cocaine, and any other hard drugs you can think of. In that time, I decided that God could not be God because of evil in the world. Within these drugs, I found traces of something greater, something that would finally bring me fulfillment and acceptance. In reality, I escaped life as it stood, with all of its pain and heartbreak. I contemplated deeply as I could all matters pertaining to life and in the end found something very disturbing to me. I realized that no matter what escapist mentality I held too, I could never escape death. There were various methods but the same awful conclusion, my inability to know and this leap into the dark, struck fear into the very fiber of my being.
Unlike many others, I do not have a clear-cut conversion story; in fact, I believe my acceptance of Christ to be a culmination of many smaller realizations and submissions. In the end, the result is the same. I do remember one event in particular that I can claim as definitive now in hindsight. I was 19 just out of high school and had been reading God's Word for quite some time well continuing in my same sin filled lifestyle. It was at a small hippie gathering in Lebanon, Missouri that I made a confession of faith. It was here that God dropped the scales from my eyes and allowed me to see evil, here for the first time I realized my absolute need for a Savior. I had traveled down in a van with my cousin, but could not go back up with him for I needed time to sort things out for myself. I decided to hitchhike back and use the long lonely miles on the road to Nebraska to reflect upon this newfound need. By God's all powerful and wonderful counsel it turned out my first three rides where Christian men. I remember expressing to the man who provided the last of these rides just what I was not, by covering a long list of things that could not be the truth. After explaining everything that I was not, he asked one pointed and poignant question. "Well friend, if not any of them then what are you?" I paused for a long while. Before I answered, I already had full assurance of this answer. the word Christian danced on the tip of my heart. Jesus Christ was a song within me I knew would take a lifetime to sing. His Spirit assured me that my sins were forgiven, that all things had become new. Jesus Christ called me friend and He called me brother. Finally, life made sense; yes, one fact remained, that in the end: we all die. This question God very smartly answered in His Word. Galatians 2:20 says, “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I live in the flesh I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me, and delivered Himself up for me.” Colossians 3:3 says, “For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” You see what humanity has realized from ages past has not changed; death is the only way to escape the evils of this world. Everything I tried everything I sought to become on my own power ended in utter failure. I realized that I could not even live up to my own standards (or law) for my life. This is where faith comes into play. Romans 3:21 says, “But now apart from the Law the righteousness of God has been manifested, being witnessed by the law and the prophets, even the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all of those who believe…” Do you understand what this means friend? This means there is nothing we can do, but accept this gift from God. The Word goes onto say, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus.” He has imputed His righteousness in us, imparted in us new life; we are born again. Again, Romans 10:4 says, “for Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone who believes.” 10:9, 10 says, “that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you shall be saved; for with the heart man believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.
At one point in my life this same story I now tell seemed foolish to me, there are times still today when I look at all of the suffering in the world and ask myself if God’s Word is really sufficient to give meaning to the hopelessness I witness daily. You see, my family is poor; even now, my parents are severely in debt, they about to lose the home that has come to mean so much to us. My brother is in prison and no one in my family has really come to know the Lord yet. most everyone in my family still battles with drug addiction, my sisters struggle with sexual abuse suffered growing up (not from my father) and end up in a string of bad relationships. I know I do not need pats on the back about how my home life, I do not want to hear that is will all be ok in the end. Sometimes God’s word sounds too romanticized to be true. It is at these desperate moments that I must be reminded of the truth. The truth is that I found the world to be the lie first. Jesus historically, philosophically, and experientially proves correct. My hope is not of this world and in reality the world is evil because we choose darkness. Sometimes all I need is the assurance that there are those who will pray, those who will have “empathy” or at least a slight understanding, the very thing I failed to do for Scott, the very thing God allowed Scott to realize ontologically through the love of God pouring out of Sandy. It is a great truth, that only when we learn to love that we can know love in return. It seems God has taught Scott this powerfully through the redemptive love that none of us ever really deserve. "GRACE"
For a long time I had bought into the lie that faith is a “leap into the dark” Which meant to me that it was unfounded and ignorant. This same lie coupled with my striving to prove to the world that I am not all of those horrible names that haunted my childhood forced me into a life of learning. At first, I wanted to know to make others look bad. I wanted to show them my prowess in all things “intelligent”. Therefore, for the past four years I have bought and read hundreds of books in order to become refined for the sake of refinement. In many ways, God allowed me the diligence necessary for the undertaking of such frivolous task, despite what my initial motives might have been. You see, He truly uses us for His glorification and the churches edification. Meaning that what I intended for evil He will surely use for Good. Hebrews 9:14 says “how much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit, offered Himself without blemish to God, cleanse your conscience from dead works to serve a living God?” I implore all of you who call upon the name of Jesus to keep looking to the blood of Christ and the cross of Christ for your daily sanctification. Now, I say with a grateful heart “Whom have I in heaven besides thee, and there is none upon the earth I desire besides thee.”