I am alive, very busy and abunduntly blessed.

If letters could blush... I will just come right out and say it, I am not going to Iraq! This morning in order to prepare for leaving all of us Marines recieved our Anthrax and Small Pox vaccinations, as well as constantly being bombarded with "the importance of being mentally prepared for the worst." To top that off we just had a memorial ceromony for two of our fellow Marines from a different Battery who have died in Iraq. A Battery is about 130 people there are normally 5 Batterys in a Battalion thus, 2/11. So at the COB today the word was passed that we are now at an operational standdown and are to resume our regular training on Monday. I sincerely want to apologize for anyone who read my last entry, I want you to understand that I was certain we where going, everyone up to my Battalion Commanding Officer CO thought so. I feel like a real goober I thank you all for your prayers and I am glad to know there is concern for my life and my ministry. I will say that if my words can help you to realize the seriousness of the situation over there right now I have done some good. Sure we Americans are winning the war. for each Marine, Sailor, or Soldier killed there are about 200 Iraqi's killed. These are men like myself, yes fighting for a different reason, but none the less more valuable than the choicest diamonds, more beautiful than the most enamoured sunset's. A large part of me was really set on going, I work with some very bellicose individuals who are motivated by the prospect of war. Well, I am happy that I will not go I guess... I should just take things as they come from now on and not say anything till I am on the plane. Through all of this I cancelled my leave to go see my family and go to a good friend of mine's wedding. Told everyone that I would going and now am taking it all back.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I woke this morning to a humm that nicely acommodates a crowd busy in hurried yet earnest discourse, somewhat in hushed tones due seemingly to the urgency of there topic. The Marine Corps is full of complainers, those of us who are just never satisfied with our circumstances, kinda makes you wonder why such a person would join the toughest branch of the Armed forces to begin with. For all express purposes the rumor mill or "scuttlebutt" as they say in the Marines was grinding out some outlandish commodities for those of us with itching ears. By this hour the bite of the desert air by night had long since ceased and in it's place the blinding desert sun, this selfsame sun that forces the sensible indoors for knowledge that to endure this hessian crucible for any purpose is onerous, arises to annul our cool.
Lying idly on my cot listening to this routine gabber, I was alerted as all others by a change in the atmosphere. The change that took place was one of finalization. There was consensus reached on a subject that has been dwelling as a menacing storm cloud over all our ignorant lives, the issue of going to Iraq. I remember my heart quickened it's pace as one of my superiors quickly dispensed of all the gossip found wanting. "All of 2/11 is going in two weeks, they have cancelled all of our training, let your family know and pack your bags." I sat up in unbelieve, a dumbfounded look upon my face and concern in my heart. 'What, I thought we weren't leaving till Sept?' I said to myself. After this confirmation upon confirmation parlayed itself in an acutely actualizing way. That left me no method of recourse, no way to rationalize or laugh away reality. In a few short weeks those stories of distant lands I hear of in the news, the lands I have only read of from biblical accounts, the mounting body count and my own battle with courage will all come to the forefront. No longer, can I say in a sympathetic tone; "how horrible!". No longer, will political talks as to the moral or legal correctness of this war be applicable to me. I will have to be a man for the first time in my life and forget myself. All I can hope to do is serve in a manner that will not bring dishonor to my God and my Country, or cost the lives of my brothers in arms. All I can hope is that through serving in this capacity, I will learn what sacrifice means and I will know what it is to love. What a joy it will be, if at last I can be rid of my childish notions of Love, Truth, Hope, Perseverance etc. I pray to God that His will be done! I hope that he teaches me an effective way to minister to those around me. Already, I can see fear etched in many of the faces of those who work under me. Most are no more than eightteen or nineteen years old, first time away from home and desperastely lost without a sure foundation in Christ or anything else for that matter. I see so many come in only to be drawn down into cesspools of sin. There is an image to live up too as a Marine, not the image you see personified on the TV, but one that corrupts. The image is that of a man with a foul mouth, one who can handle his drink, have his way with women in a reckless and carefree manner and then come to work the next day, work hard and stay true to the superfical aspect of being a Marine; Honor, Courage and Commitment. Here I stand, I can do no other, yet I am not sure if standing is what is required for these men to come to know Christ? I ask anyone who reads this to pray that God prepares a way for me, as well as watches after all who are in harms way. While your at it pray for the saints who are spreading His gospel to the utter ends of the earth, that they will bring glory to His name. Thank you....

The fradulence of the human heart,
the deluded lives we lead.
Yearning to be free from misguided passion,
and willed monotony.
New birth,
living water,
hope beyond hope will relieve.
Cruel manacles that bind so tight,
only death bring eternal reprieve.
Lifted up to the height of heights
earth bound to a cross, all for me.
Lifted up on that day I knew.
Lifted up, this day I know!
To call you Lord
and by death;
Be set free.

Lord my God, be this night my only teacher, teach me all your ways so that I might walk in them. Your disciples put their faith in you upon the revelation of your glory from water to wine; (Jn. 2:11) I do the same. How easy it is to fall passionately in love with the truth, yet how hard to express! Jesus, not only teach me your ways, but allow the light you have given me to shine before this world as a testimony to your sacrifice. Make my own life to reveal yours. I Lord do not have the strength, but in my weakness your strength is made perfect. Take this life from me Lord, I want it not. Take my world apart... Your will be done in my life Lord Jesus. I am so sorry for my sin, I can do nothing without you, it seems my life would be perfect if only I wasn't constantly in the way. I lay down all of my burdens, my hopes, dreams, aspirations, everything. I cast all my cares upon you for you care for me. I ask you for suffering and reproach in this life Lord! 1 Peter ch.4:1,2 says;
1. Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, becuase he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. 2. As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God.
If I seem confused in my most recent posts it's becuase I am... I am trying to live by my strong desire to serve the Lord and subject my own failed battles with sin to Christ. Just this last sunday the pastor of a church that I will not name stepped down from the pulpit. He admitted to the congregation that for the past couple of years he has been carrying on in adulterous relationships with numerous women. How very heartbreaking! How we must watch our steps! Men who read this know my struggle becuase it is so common amoungst us. Jesus deliver me from the body of this death! I don't want to keep fighting a losing battle with lust. I feel as though I will never be ready to marry, never be ready to truly serve until this awful burden is removed from me. You tell me to live by the Spirit and I will not gratify the lust of the flesh, but I confess to you that I can't do it on my own... Lord will you walk with me another mile? I feel as though I am a dog who has turned back to his own vomit, as if I have crucified you all over, like a cloud without rain. What i am you know full well, I don't know why I write my struggles in broad view of all except to say I need help. Lord, I need help! Romans 13:14 Rather clothe yourselves with Christ and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature. Help me Jesus!

http://www.picturetrail.com/jamesquinn

http://www.picturetrail.com/jamesquinn

Here is a poem I wrote when I was 18 I wrote it well doing a little hitchhiking in New York. My search to know the truth was in full swing at this time the "hound of heaven" was closing in on me.

Alone I walk through the cold of night
Unknown destination, unknown I walk alone

Onlookers gaze, unattached to what they see
Still I walk on, as life further beckons me

I meet the world along the way
It's many disguises, melodies, and words to say

It's ill intend and best desires
It's original truth that makes us all liars

I wander on so long through these realms long gone
In the beauty realms of nature that give way to Babylon

I search for peace in these cities and valley's I scour
in our quest for perfection it is ourselves and our love we devour

Alone I walk, with God's good word
Alone I walk, never to be heard

When I wrote this I had come to grips that God was out there and thought that i understood Him. I knew he was the God of all creation, but did not yet accept His salvation. God was allowing me to see how wretched the world was, which got me asking some pertinent questions concerning what is true. He is light and truth and only with new eyes can we see his majesty. I am sure my search, and striving after righteousness even now resemble Billy Madison's construction paper and cotton ball snowman he presented to Miss Lippy. Thank God, I am not getting into heaven based off of my merits.

Another very late night here at wonderful Camp Wilson in 29 Palms. To be honest I have written and rewritten this same entry about 5 times over the course of the past three days. This is becuase I am not really being honest and honestly, I do not really know what that is anymore. I have made an effort to live my life sincerely for Christ alone even if that means never finding happiness. Then I find myself writing in my blogger as if I needed to please somebody, or be somebody. I wonder if I can even write this entry purely just to put some thoughts down? The second I attempt to write I wonder what will people think, will they notice I am superficial, what if my thoughts are completely ignorant or wrong, on and on it goes until I actually find myself worried about every minute detail you could imagine.
I am in the Marine Corps and I hate it at times but I try to do it to the glory of God. I get out in a year and not really sure what to do with my life from there. I hope God has something extraordainary planned for me, I hope to find fulfillment in all my endevours. I am scared to death of my day to day struggles and am afraid that none of my victories will ever be complete. I am scared of not being loved and accepted, scared of my inadequecies, and scared of insincerity. My life is controlled by fear. Maybe, I will never be good enough for this life, but, I hope that there is one thing that I can do still. And that is be used by God so that others may know Jesus Christ. Forget all of my attempted philosophical rantings and every other attempt at being intellectual. Give me your presence Lord, I am sick of living by fear, teach me to serve, teach me to love. Ecclesiastes 4:4 says " And I saw that all labor and all achievement springs from man's envy of his neighbor. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." This is me, everything I have ever done is tainted with self-interest. I know, the whole routine... Yes, God can use even what I mean for myself for his glory. But what is the point if I can't live completely for Him? I need to have all of Him and none of me, I will not settle for anything less. If I can't know Christ and the fellowship of His sufferings, if I can't give everything that I am without always worrying "Who am I doing this for" what is the point? Everything, will be burned away in the end, every work that was not of Him. I need assurance from you Lord that I am a new creation! Why must I always live with this nagging doubt? Where is my conviction at? Conviction is the state of being convinced, and assurance the state of being sure, by adequate evidence or arguement that something is true. I know your word is full of comfort and assurance Lord, You say "Do not let your hearts be troubled..." you know the plans you have for me... you tell me your compassions are new everyday... you tell me to let tomorrow worry about itself.... You give me the witness of the saints, the faithfulness of the sunrise, yet I doubt! Lord, you truly are patient, and kind, and loving, and everyother good thing I can attribute to you. It is truly profound that you had Adam name all of the plants, animals, and creatures becuase, we still do it today. Not only do we label and catergorize creation; we attempt to do the same to you. The beauty is that there is no limit to your glory. What a joy to spend our lives, all of eternity even, just finding out just who you are, then finding out that you are so much more. I have faith in who you are Lord, yet help my unbelief. Have your perfect will done in my life, cast away all of my fears. I love you Jesus! for you first loved me. You loved me despite myself and I thank you for that. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, my only love..........