Another very late night here at wonderful Camp Wilson in 29 Palms. To be honest I have written and rewritten this same entry about 5 times over the course of the past three days. This is becuase I am not really being honest and honestly, I do not really know what that is anymore. I have made an effort to live my life sincerely for Christ alone even if that means never finding happiness. Then I find myself writing in my blogger as if I needed to please somebody, or be somebody. I wonder if I can even write this entry purely just to put some thoughts down? The second I attempt to write I wonder what will people think, will they notice I am superficial, what if my thoughts are completely ignorant or wrong, on and on it goes until I actually find myself worried about every minute detail you could imagine.
I am in the Marine Corps and I hate it at times but I try to do it to the glory of God. I get out in a year and not really sure what to do with my life from there. I hope God has something extraordainary planned for me, I hope to find fulfillment in all my endevours. I am scared to death of my day to day struggles and am afraid that none of my victories will ever be complete. I am scared of not being loved and accepted, scared of my inadequecies, and scared of insincerity. My life is controlled by fear. Maybe, I will never be good enough for this life, but, I hope that there is one thing that I can do still. And that is be used by God so that others may know Jesus Christ. Forget all of my attempted philosophical rantings and every other attempt at being intellectual. Give me your presence Lord, I am sick of living by fear, teach me to serve, teach me to love. Ecclesiastes 4:4 says " And I saw that all labor and all achievement springs from man's envy of his neighbor. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." This is me, everything I have ever done is tainted with self-interest. I know, the whole routine... Yes, God can use even what I mean for myself for his glory. But what is the point if I can't live completely for Him? I need to have all of Him and none of me, I will not settle for anything less. If I can't know Christ and the fellowship of His sufferings, if I can't give everything that I am without always worrying "Who am I doing this for" what is the point? Everything, will be burned away in the end, every work that was not of Him. I need assurance from you Lord that I am a new creation! Why must I always live with this nagging doubt? Where is my conviction at? Conviction is the state of being convinced, and assurance the state of being sure, by adequate evidence or arguement that something is true. I know your word is full of comfort and assurance Lord, You say "Do not let your hearts be troubled..." you know the plans you have for me... you tell me your compassions are new everyday... you tell me to let tomorrow worry about itself.... You give me the witness of the saints, the faithfulness of the sunrise, yet I doubt! Lord, you truly are patient, and kind, and loving, and everyother good thing I can attribute to you. It is truly profound that you had Adam name all of the plants, animals, and creatures becuase, we still do it today. Not only do we label and catergorize creation; we attempt to do the same to you. The beauty is that there is no limit to your glory. What a joy to spend our lives, all of eternity even, just finding out just who you are, then finding out that you are so much more. I have faith in who you are Lord, yet help my unbelief. Have your perfect will done in my life, cast away all of my fears. I love you Jesus! for you first loved me. You loved me despite myself and I thank you for that. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, my only love..........