Oh Grace....

This past week there could be little to nothing to separate me from any other average joe. I read my Bible maybe twice and hardly picked any others books as I usually do. I spent a lot of time hanging out with the people I work with playing pool, telling stories, joking, and wrestling. In the midst of all of my business God did something miraculous! He stayed in my heart despite my lack of bible reading and despite my lack of beating myself up over my sin. I can not attribute what has happend this past week to anything other than the Lord moving in the lives of His children. Both mine and those who are coming to know Him. I have recieved the chance to share my full testimony, tell the Gospel story, counsel others about there relationships, stress to them the relevence of the Christian faith using apologetics, and just learn to love them and meet them where they are.
It is not about me! Jesus thank you! This is so big in my life, perhaps one of those life defining moments. Sure in the grand scheme of things this is just another mountain top experience, but I have learned to recieve such experiences with joy and am learning to embrace the "Valley of Humiliation" with a willing heart. I don't feel like writing using proper grammar or spelling, I don't feel like trying to sound deep. I just want to share my joy. Being a Marine isn't that bad when you do it to the glory of God.

Walking with your word in my heart, I decided not to stop. I walked past the familiar faces and places, once held dear. Looking now with different eyes, I seen; pain pouring out of every stereo, confusion in the young, and bitterness in old age. I walked on praying, "Lord let me know you, let me find you at last!" I walked past the ceasless day by its unnatural light, down the man paved roads to a young and starlit night. I followed till the noise of nature, replaced, drowned out man's clutter. Straight faced and solemn I continued on, Your highest praises I did utter. "This time I will not return, this life will not know me, but you!" The birds of the field are fed and each day Your mercies are new. Why should I ever worry knowing the lillies lot. What pain or fear could grab me knowing Your will is sought. But the night grew thick and my feet grew heavy, hunger stabbed with effective knives. Still a man, hopelessly caught by need that seems to plauge our aestetic lives. I lay down beside the road to rest my weary head. Hunger, fear, and wants, replace my sleep instead. Falling, turning back, chastised by the cold air, the fragility of my frame and weakness of my flesh, I seek, but no longer Thee. Frivolous is this faith when what's free is conditionally and foolishly composed by me. I fly fast now, my selfish wings unfurled to the night sky, seek safety, O' World is it you, who by indulgence can set me free? I fly to my perch in the same unnatural light. Outside remains still, the dark and cold of night. The familiar faces and places remain yet to greet me. The same pain, confusion, and bitterness, I still with different eyes, must see. Prayer prayed not forgotten, fell on Your listening ears. I then shut off the painfilled music, spoke wisdom to the young, and cried for peace to those advanced in years.

Speaking to a need

It is 5:40 am now, my shift for SOG (Sergeant of the Guard) ended nearly two hours ago and for some odd reason I am still awake, despite my lack of sleep the past couple of nights. My entire mission consist of: Ensuring Marines are not sleeping on thier post, ensuring they have accounted for all of their gear, ensuring they wake up on time, making sure they have food and water, their morale is high, and finding out if they have any health or administrative concerns. I also report any unusual activities that occur outside of the firm base to the Watch Officer. (watch the movie "Fire Base Gloria" in order to understand what a firm base is.) I really enjoy being a quasi babysitter to grown men. I realized tonight that I can use my position to really minister to those I work with. When someone is forced to stare down the barrel of a .50 caliber machine gun for four hours with no t.v., magazines, or music to keep them company they are left to their thoughts. So far I have ran into a couple different kinds of people. 1. Those who apparently do not think of anything. 2. Those who only think of their great many exploits. 3. Those who are angry with the world and want to tell you about it. 4. Those who have concerns about their families or need someone to unload their thoughts on. "disclaimer" My categories do not accurately reflect the general populace.
My favorite role upon walking my post is that of a counselor to those who are downcast. Being a Marine is not a very easy job. All of the "freedoms" we fight to defend, we Marines are completely denied ourselves. Lack of freedom, stressful work environment, being away from home, and thoughts about Iraq really get to some people. What makes matters worse is most of these young men are more concerned about how there mothers are handling all of the news. That means that you Parents out there have to grow up! Stop giving your son who is about to go to combat more to worry about. While concerning being a counselor I found that just listening and trying to understand their depression will do a lot. Moreover it gives me an excellent opportunity to share with them who I look to for consolation. I explain how accepting Christ in my heart means realizing that the God of all creation, the very God who gives life and light liberally to all, is the Same God who became flesh and dwelt amongst us, the very same God who died upon the cross to save us from death and sin. This same Jesus Christ promised to send me a comforter, this same comforter is this same God of all creation dwelling now in my heart. This same God, Triune in nature, hears my prayers, sees everything I do and loves me despite myself. I am able to share with them my background and why it is I understand depression. I share how knowing the God that gives all men life will never leave me nor forsake me and knowing He has promised me eternal life is enough to bring me through anything the Marine Corps can throw at me. Starting to get sleepy now....

Jesus, I am not sure I live up to anything written in your word. I am not sure I have ever felt the power of the Holy Spirit in my life. I don't think I have ever trusted you enough to really take a step of faith. Maybe I have never felt, never experienced the reality of being born again. Maybe I just don't have the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Maybe I just don't know how to give my life to you. Perhaps coming to you has always had me in the lime light. Have I selfishly accepted you because I want to be blessed? What am I doing? Where is my ministry? How have I left anything to follow you? Where is my confidence? Where is my boasting? Why is it that only when one is on their death bed do we realize the immense weight of eternity, the truth about our eternal souls and our need for a Savior? What words of consolation can we offer those who grieve knowing that there loved one is most likely in hell? That is reality, not everyone is going to heaven. What can the prayers of a guilt-ridden, sin-ridden, selfish man like me do? What if I where to boldly say that I know all of the scriptures you could use to comfort me. What if I where to say that my only hope lies in those same scriptures. What if I where to say I am lonely and feel, the only thing that is real in my life is this. I don't feel the love of the Holy Spirit bringing me comfort and assurance. I don't see the needs of the sick and dying being met by me, the one who should be pleading there case. I want to be real! I want to be genuine! I want to walk away from all I know, share in your sufferings, live for you! Serve you! Love you! And be with you always... But, I don't know how to be sincere, to meet peoples needs, to feed them, clothe them, comfort them. Show me the wretchedness of my sin Lord only in contrast to the fullness of your Glory. You are glorified Jesus, you sent your comforter and have prepared a place for me. I pray Lord that you make this real to me and help me to make it real to others.

I wrote last night in a desperate moment these painful words, I wrote because my life feels out of control, my love seems insincere and my faith manufactured at times. Today upon rereading my own words I was struck by something. Struck by the fact that I pitt everything on my ability to succeed, my ability to serve, my capacity to love God, me, me, me. Sure my prayer/plea sounds most earnest and perhaps true in some sense. I am not serving or living in any way close to the way those in Bible times did. My walk is of course completely me centered at times and for the most part I don't feel God's presence bearing down on every aspect of my life. But there is another reality I have completely neglected, the core of the Christian faith. Jesus Christ is Lord! He died for me! He covers my sins! He is the one who will plead my case! He loves me and doesn't see me now; He sees the finished product. His blood HAS washed me, purified me. His death HAS set me free from the bondage of my sin, He HAS delivered me. He will give me the words to say, He will lead me into all righteousness. Jesus you are my Lord, forgive me for trying to make you into nothing more than something to help ME along MY way. Take control of my life, the throne room of my heart is yours, I ask you to adorn it in accordance to your liking. I am weak, broken and not able to fix myself. I commit all of me to all of you, have your perfect will done in my life. Be my Lord... Jesus Christ be glorified through my life as I stand on all of your unfailing promises. Lord God according to those promises I ask you to see the brokenness of Scott's father and in that brokenness to call him by name. Lord that he might be known by you! Heavenly Father you conquered death and sin because of your great love for us. We pray in all earnest that you open His heart to know you, to seek your face and see your glory. How majestic! How powerful! How worthy of all of our praise are you Lord! Not only Scott's earthly father but, my own. There is no to late with you Lord. I ask believing that you are our High Priest. 7"During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. 8Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered 9and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him 10and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek." I ask according to your promises; 11 "And this is the record, that God hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.
12 He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life.
13 These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God.
14 And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us:
15 And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him." Lord hear our prayer

Life is Good....

I will just come right out and say it, I am growing a moustache. Yup, I know there are many, many loyal fans out there who have been desperately waiting to hear this news. This stache is dedicated to all of you Magnum P.I. fans out there. I am hoping for a moderate balance between Tom Selic and Burt Reynolds on this one. My prayer in all of this is that, the end result is not some sparce, scant teenage moustache, or a fu-man chu; only time will tell.
I haven't wrote in my blogger for a while mainly becuase I have been resting so much that I am afraid I have nothing noteworthy to tell about, until of course, my grand epiphany with the handlebar stache I am banking on tumbled out of my childish mind. Other than that I am just chillin in the desert spending a lot of time reading the word and a variety of books. So far this past two weeks I have read Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson, Hard Times, Charles Dickens,I, Issac Take You, Rebekah, Ravi Zacharias, The Aeneid of Virgil, and right now am making my way through Pride and Predjudice, Jane Austen and Civilization On Trial and The World and the West, Arnold Toynbee, then finally The Gospels and Acts in the word. Needless to say I have a lot of free time on my hands.
I have not been my usual self lately, as far as my constant self doubt is concerned. This is a new place for me. I feel a certain peace in my heart about life in general that makes me a little uncomfortable. I have decided it best to call it a blessing from God and just accept my time of rest by keeping a peaceful mind.
If there is a common theme that I have cogitated, or pondered on through the reading I have done, it is the value of devotion. The devotion to duty, or (dooty) that one of the hands aboard the Hispanolia, sp. Tom displayed in being willing to lay down his life rather than mutiny with Long John and the others. The simple honesty and quiet perseverance of Stephen Blackpool as well as the Love and devotion of Sissy in Hardtimes. It should go without saying, all of the valour, courage, devotion, love, and sacrifice so beautifully displayed in the Aeneid was inspiring and educational. Ravi and I go way back... although I don't think I agree with him in all areas I enjoy his personality and heart for the Lord. Did I mention his rappier wit? His book gave me a few more truisms about relationships to spout out and I guess it did reaffirm the fact that relationships are difficult and invovle compromise and all of the same things everyother relationship book says about communication and what not.
Me and relationships I don't see ever really mixing. Of course like most others I hope that I will find the right one and live happily ever after and what not, but as long as I am still me, I don't see it happening any time soon. I suppose looking into the facts to much has not helped at all either. I found the number one cause of divorce, Christians included, is finances, number two is communication, I am deficient in both. This is only two out of about a million reasons I use to convince myself I am not ready. Others are:

1. I need to desire God first then the rest will fall into place.
2. I am ruggedly individual by nature.
3. Based off of my family background a relationship is guaranteed to be 10 times harder.
4. I am an extreme introvert
5. I don't understand women in the least
6. Again, I definitely am really bad with money
7. I think I am the jealous type, although not the psycho kind.
8. I don't think my plans right now include a significant other.
9. I am a card carrying member of BTR (Bachelor Till the Rapture) and would be required to undergo severe ridicule and beatings from the other current members in order to be disenfranchised.
Well the list could go on but it becomes more specified from beyond #9 so that will have to suffice for now.
This is a funny story.
I work for a 35 yr old black man, Gunnery Sergeant Beynen. Anyway, he decided that he wanted us to brainstorm to think of an idea for a T-shirt for our section. So being diligent Marines myself not included, my comrades brought out a plethora of ideas not sparing any sexual innuendo's of course, which I will forego the specifics of for decencies sake, but must mention the shirt "decided" on for humors sake. After long and careful deliberation in one of our staff meetings on the subject my Gunny said. "Yeah, those are nice ideas, but, here is My vision. Picture a big hand in the middle of the shirt and one the top it will read, make sure your pimp... and the bottom will read, hand is strong." It was then decided by my Gunny that the hand would obviously be a black one, on account of the fact that he in his own words is; "a beautiful black man." My initial reaction, dumbfounded silence. My current reaction, dumbfounded and annoyed to sarcasm. What is he thinking! that is the stupiest shirt idea I have ever heard of! Does he expect me to where it? Am I taking crazy pills here or is this not cool? I will take a moment to explain this man in a little more detail from my perspective. He is really task organized, very efficient when it comes to work, a neat freak, perfectionist, and prone to micro-managing. He makes a conscious effort to improve himself as a leader and attempts to be lighthearted at times. Over all, I like his work ethic, don't mind his personality, but am afraid of him and think he hates me and have a hard time working with him on account of it.
That pretty much sums it up for now, I will write more later.