Thursday morning in Okinawa, right about this time, I should be doing operational checks on the gear that I work with or cleaning, but I am here writing on my blogger. Good news in my life as of right now would be that I qualified expert on the rifle range on Tuesday. What that means is I shot about 38 out of 50 shots in the black. This will really help me in getting promoted, something I really need to do.
Other good news is that a good friend I made over here in my first year has just wrote to me. Eric is one who was able to go 12 rounds and be passionate about what he believes, but also able to admit where he was wrong. We came so far in our talks! He went from claiming to be a existentialist atheist, to a agnostic to claiming there has to be an absolute truth which comes from a transcendent being or else life makes no sense. He told me before he left that there can be no middle ground. I left him with the challenge to see if Jesus Christ adds up. If he is really the way, the truth, and the life. Anyways, he now lives in California where I will be moving to in about two weeks. I have a feeling God still has work to do in this young mans life as well as mine.
I just got dumped last night....bummer huh, I can say that I seen it coming for I really did. I know, I put it in the harshest terms possible maybe not to fair. I have been in a long distant relationship for almost 4 months, total the relationship has been about nine months now. I heard stories of so many failed long distance relationships, I thought if I remain faithful that this one would be different. I really just feel foolish for trying to make it work in the first place. Really, how childish of me! I blame this on the fact that I have never really had feelings for anyone. So in this case when I realized I felt love and felt it fully recompensed. I automatically said to myself, "this could be it, this could be the one." Not that I had been looking for a relationship when I initially went to Korea in fact that was the last thing on my mind. I made a decision early on not to feel ever again. It is hard to explain I suppose I have abandonment issues with my family, wasn't hugged enough or something. Accepting Christ in my life made all such decisions void. Nevertheless, my childhood still seems like this dark storm cloud on the horizon, ready at any moment to come back and rain on my parade. This time it was me being ignorant in my first real relationship, saying "this will work we are in love...." All the while knowing that I have to many unhealed wounds for a relationship to begin with.
I think I forced something that wasn't there. What I mean is that I wanted so badly to share my heart with another that I forced the relationship to progress where it had not. I am really sorry about causing so much unneeded pain through my selfishness, I am sorry about being so ignorant. It is funny that this experience with dating that so many have so early on I am just now having. I am hurt sure, but really my pride is getting dealt the real blow.
I am sorry for making her feel "this burden" as she put it. I wanted to ask her to define burden, but what is the point? She really let me down easy, you know the whole "let's be friends and have nothing change between us." and "you never know if God intends us to be together maybe someday it will still happen." To this I said let's be real....If we do not want anything to change in the way we talk then why are we breaking up? And if you truly believe God intended us to be together why would we give up now and forsake this "great burden?" I do not blame her in this it was really the right thing to do I am glad she did not hide how she felt from me.
What I believe happened is that the butterflies in the stomach passed and in this day and age that is what love is defined as. A feeling, an emotion, something which when felt it is great, but when it is gone we wonder why we acted so strangely. The whole concept of dating is not biblical at all, In the Bible you see daughters being given in marriage by their fathers. The father was responsible for the protection and purity of his daughter. His responsibility to be protector and provider was then passed on to her husband. This is clearly taught in the Bible but I am sure I would be called a fundamentalist or old fashioned for saying this. (as if that is a bad thing.) Whatever dating has it's success stories too, so I will leave the issue to those more qualified. Well I could go on venting all day but I had better end this here. I put my trust in Jesus Christ for he has not and never will fail me.

Saturday night here in Okinawa and as usual if it is not raining the weather is perfect. I am still in shock about the news that I am leaving this place. When I take the time to reflect upon all that i have done and experienced in my time over here, I am overwhelmed. This place is truly a subtropic paradise which I now realize I did not apreciate as I should have. It is kinda silly now that I am in my last few weeks I am trying to suck the marrow out of Okinawa, trying to experience everything I can. Today I just drove all around Island and found Japanese malls that had T-shirts with misspelled words. I think they are hilarious to read. I wonder if such humor is reciprocal? If they laugh at us when we think we are looking cool in our shirts with Japanese and Chinese writing on them? Anyways, back to the experiencing this place, I think I will wake up tommorrow and take some good pics of the sunrise. I hope to have a picture page up before to long so that people can see some of the nature pictures I have taken, as well as some of my freinds from home and those I have made while abroad. Anything else happen today? Well nothing I can think of now off to bed. Shalom

It is bed time now but as usual I am wide awake. Strange how habits we learn so early on shape our lives. Such as eating junk food, staying up late watching to much TV and a host of other petty habits. Of course this is not completely determanistic we can at any moment change our minds. G.K. Chesterson says that "habit, is habit breaking" so blatently true and rational that is what I like about him. When I talk about breaking habits I am talking about habitual sin that I have in my own life. As I read my earlier post they seem plauged with one question. Maybe I did not state it directly but it is definetly implied (Do I love God?)
Well I have come to a conclusion.....Yes, Of course I love God! Why have I been struggling for four years now trying to break myself free of my old man and all that that entails? Why do I even wonder if I love him or not? The issue is that I do not love him perfectly and I do not love others perfectly. I truely want to, but I don't. I have a great example to follow thankfully and am trying to grow in understanding of Him. Shame, I believe is natural and to be accepted as something which works towards repentance but is not meant to an unbearable burden or a scarlet letter which we wear. Once shame has served its purpose of making us aware of our wrong doing we need to give it to God. The reason I have been struggling so much is that I want to do it alone. What I truly mean by alone is by any means except for God which obviously is a bad way to go about it.
Ok, Something that relates to right now......I have just found out today that my extension to remain overseas has been denied and I will be living in the great state of California in about 3 short weeks. I really don't know what to feel about all of this right now. Initially I feel nothing, nothing at all I am kinda saying well....California is a good state. This does crush the hopes I had of possibly being stationed back in S. Korea again, but I am certain that this to will work out for the greater good as well. I have much more I want to write so much to be thankful for so much to repent of so much growing to do. In his time I know.
Shalom,
James

Lost and found
Who is it, who walks your road?
One amoungst this ramshackle lot, who carries your load.

Am I he, could I be, a man who searches for true light?
Or yet again, here in sin, do I wander in endless night?

Plans seem righteous when they are my own.
In a company of fools without you, I'm alone.

Deceived by a thousand lesser lights, deceived by my own pride,
deceived by what I thought was right, deceived into a lie.

Hear my cry as it shall not cease, till in your arms I'm found
hear my praise and unspoken plee's, place my feet on solid ground

Word of truth, Word of life, Word that became flesh and died.
Flesh that laughed, flesh that cried, flesh who's spilt blood crushed the lie.

This same Word that became flesh, I now call Lord.
Daily am I pierced, by this double edged sword.

To know you, to show you, the only acceptable sacrifice I can give.
To go through, to be new, the death which means life with you to live.

I have come to the conclusion that I am nobody. I am one who fails at every commitment ever made. Most importantly my commitment to Christ. I hardly ever pic up my Bible anymore I feel like such a fraud. The Word of God I know to be his love displayed to a wretched unworthy world. He became manifest in the flesh to redeem me!? I know that he is omni- everything which means that becuase I have accepted Him He will not just give up on me. For He knew the very moment I would forget him, the very moment I would rebel in my heart and He forgave it....all of it on the cross. I am so sorry Lord! I can say these words with all emotion, with full sincerity, but why will I walk away and forget him in my next breath? This is the dichatomy of man we put God in a nice little box so we can sit at the throne of our own hearts and make Him our conveinant footstool. I ask how can our Lord be so long suffering? Forgetting that long suffering is one of his eternal attributes that can never be diminished. I am a carnal, nominal, luke warm Christian... Can such a one even be considered worthy of the crown of life.
I preached a sermon a while back in my home church I called "free grace, at a price" In it I basically said that if we truly considered what was done on the cross for our sake, made it our daily meditation, and honestly strove to pick up our cross daily and die unto ourselves. Then there is no way we could continue on in the sin that we do. I was reading Bonhoeffer at the time and hopefully reconciled it with the grace of God properly. 2 John v. 6 says and this is love that we walk in obediance to His commands.... Read Psalms 119:97-128 and you will see the link between love and obediance. John 14:15 Our Lord himself says; If you love me you will obey my commands. Galatians 5:6 says that....For in Christ neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. 1 John is chalk full of what our love should look like. I am talking about gift love here the same love which was displayed when Christ willingly went to the cross for our sins even though we did nothing to deserve it. I know even now all my righteousness is as filthy rags and I am Justiflied by Faith and there is nothing I can do that it is all his work being done in me. I still want to grow and change and put away childish things. "Work in progress" I commit myself into your able hands mold me and make me Lord.... Lord God Almighty, Savour, Master, Creator of heaven and earth. Help me to love, calm my anxious thoughts, guide my forward steps in your divine purpose, help to be more you and less me by loving my brother and giving to those in need. I ask all of this in the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen!

I have come to the conclusion that I am nobody. I am one who fails at every commitment ever made. Most importantly my commitment to Christ. I hardly ever pic up my Bible anymore I feel like such a fraud. The Word of God I know to be his love displayed to a wretched unworthy world. He became manifest in the flesh to redeem me!? I know that he is omni- everything which means that becuase I have accepted Him He will not just give up on me. For He knew the very moment I would forget him, the very moment I would rebel in my heart and He forgave it....all of it on the cross. I am so sorry Lord! I can say these words with all emotion, with full sincerity, but why will I walk away and forget him in my next breath? This is the dichatomy of man we put God in a nice little box so we can sit at the throne of our own hearts and make Him our conveinant footstool. I ask how can our Lord be so long suffering? Forgetting that long suffering is one of his eternal attributes that can never be diminished. I am a carnal, nominal, luke warm Christian... Can such a one even be considered worthy of the crown of life.
I preached a sermon a while back in my home church I called "free grace, at a price" In it I basically said that if we truly considered what was done on the cross for our sake, made it our daily meditation, and honestly strove to pick up our cross daily and die unto ourselves. Then there is no way we could continue on in the sin that we do. I was reading Bonhoeffer at the time and hopefully reconciled it with the grace of God properly. 2 John v. 6 says and this is love that we walk in obediance to His commands.... Read Psalms 119:97-128 and you will see the link between love and obediance. John 14:15 Our Lord himself says; If you love me you will obey my commands. Galatians 5:6 says that....For in Christ neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. 1 John is chalk full of what our love should look like. I am talking about gift love here the same love which was displayed when Christ willingly went to the cross for our sins even though we did nothing to deserve it. I know even now all my righteousness is as filthy rags and I am Justiflied by Faith and there is nothing I can do that it is all his work being done in me. I still want to grow and change and put away childish things. "Work in progress" I commit myself into your able hands mold me and make me Lord.... Lord God Almighty, Savour, Master, Creator of heaven and earth. Help me to love, calm my anxious thoughts, guide my forward steps in your divine purpose, help to be more you and less me by loving my brother and giving to those in need. I ask all of this in the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen!