Thursday morning in Okinawa, right about this time, I should be doing operational checks on the gear that I work with or cleaning, but I am here writing on my blogger. Good news in my life as of right now would be that I qualified expert on the rifle range on Tuesday. What that means is I shot about 38 out of 50 shots in the black. This will really help me in getting promoted, something I really need to do.
Other good news is that a good friend I made over here in my first year has just wrote to me. Eric is one who was able to go 12 rounds and be passionate about what he believes, but also able to admit where he was wrong. We came so far in our talks! He went from claiming to be a existentialist atheist, to a agnostic to claiming there has to be an absolute truth which comes from a transcendent being or else life makes no sense. He told me before he left that there can be no middle ground. I left him with the challenge to see if Jesus Christ adds up. If he is really the way, the truth, and the life. Anyways, he now lives in California where I will be moving to in about two weeks. I have a feeling God still has work to do in this young mans life as well as mine.
I just got dumped last night....bummer huh, I can say that I seen it coming for I really did. I know, I put it in the harshest terms possible maybe not to fair. I have been in a long distant relationship for almost 4 months, total the relationship has been about nine months now. I heard stories of so many failed long distance relationships, I thought if I remain faithful that this one would be different. I really just feel foolish for trying to make it work in the first place. Really, how childish of me! I blame this on the fact that I have never really had feelings for anyone. So in this case when I realized I felt love and felt it fully recompensed. I automatically said to myself, "this could be it, this could be the one." Not that I had been looking for a relationship when I initially went to Korea in fact that was the last thing on my mind. I made a decision early on not to feel ever again. It is hard to explain I suppose I have abandonment issues with my family, wasn't hugged enough or something. Accepting Christ in my life made all such decisions void. Nevertheless, my childhood still seems like this dark storm cloud on the horizon, ready at any moment to come back and rain on my parade. This time it was me being ignorant in my first real relationship, saying "this will work we are in love...." All the while knowing that I have to many unhealed wounds for a relationship to begin with.
I think I forced something that wasn't there. What I mean is that I wanted so badly to share my heart with another that I forced the relationship to progress where it had not. I am really sorry about causing so much unneeded pain through my selfishness, I am sorry about being so ignorant. It is funny that this experience with dating that so many have so early on I am just now having. I am hurt sure, but really my pride is getting dealt the real blow.
I am sorry for making her feel "this burden" as she put it. I wanted to ask her to define burden, but what is the point? She really let me down easy, you know the whole "let's be friends and have nothing change between us." and "you never know if God intends us to be together maybe someday it will still happen." To this I said let's be real....If we do not want anything to change in the way we talk then why are we breaking up? And if you truly believe God intended us to be together why would we give up now and forsake this "great burden?" I do not blame her in this it was really the right thing to do I am glad she did not hide how she felt from me.
What I believe happened is that the butterflies in the stomach passed and in this day and age that is what love is defined as. A feeling, an emotion, something which when felt it is great, but when it is gone we wonder why we acted so strangely. The whole concept of dating is not biblical at all, In the Bible you see daughters being given in marriage by their fathers. The father was responsible for the protection and purity of his daughter. His responsibility to be protector and provider was then passed on to her husband. This is clearly taught in the Bible but I am sure I would be called a fundamentalist or old fashioned for saying this. (as if that is a bad thing.) Whatever dating has it's success stories too, so I will leave the issue to those more qualified. Well I could go on venting all day but I had better end this here. I put my trust in Jesus Christ for he has not and never will fail me.