It is bed time now but as usual I am wide awake. Strange how habits we learn so early on shape our lives. Such as eating junk food, staying up late watching to much TV and a host of other petty habits. Of course this is not completely determanistic we can at any moment change our minds. G.K. Chesterson says that "habit, is habit breaking" so blatently true and rational that is what I like about him. When I talk about breaking habits I am talking about habitual sin that I have in my own life. As I read my earlier post they seem plauged with one question. Maybe I did not state it directly but it is definetly implied (Do I love God?)
Well I have come to a conclusion.....Yes, Of course I love God! Why have I been struggling for four years now trying to break myself free of my old man and all that that entails? Why do I even wonder if I love him or not? The issue is that I do not love him perfectly and I do not love others perfectly. I truely want to, but I don't. I have a great example to follow thankfully and am trying to grow in understanding of Him. Shame, I believe is natural and to be accepted as something which works towards repentance but is not meant to an unbearable burden or a scarlet letter which we wear. Once shame has served its purpose of making us aware of our wrong doing we need to give it to God. The reason I have been struggling so much is that I want to do it alone. What I truly mean by alone is by any means except for God which obviously is a bad way to go about it.
Ok, Something that relates to right now......I have just found out today that my extension to remain overseas has been denied and I will be living in the great state of California in about 3 short weeks. I really don't know what to feel about all of this right now. Initially I feel nothing, nothing at all I am kinda saying well....California is a good state. This does crush the hopes I had of possibly being stationed back in S. Korea again, but I am certain that this to will work out for the greater good as well. I have much more I want to write so much to be thankful for so much to repent of so much growing to do. In his time I know.
Shalom,
James