Over the course of the past few months I have been burning a whole lot of midnight oil. Many nights I spend sitting idly in front of the computer screen searching for blogger's and Xanga's that resonate with my own heart. I spent a little time before I sat down to surf the net and considered why I do this. I refuse to go over the externals as to why I spend too much time surfing the net, I will go straight to the heart of the matter. I am looking for acceptance in the online world... looking for someone to validate my thoughts and Ideas. Someone to encourage, rebuke, agree, or deny me. All of this fruitless searching in order to supplement my time with the Lord. I also have some great freinds. My freinds Willy, Russ, Milo, Pete, Renee, and Becky are ssome I spend time talking about who God is, who Jesus Christ is, who we are in Christ and how that relates to the World. I have decided that I will not allow myself to surf the net or hang out with my freinds until I have spent time in the word and spent time with the Lord in prayer. Jesus Christ alone can fill the void in my heart... all other relationships, to include best freinds, or even spouses will not fill the emptiness in the heart of man so much as God.
Holy Father, Lord of my life and Savior of my soul, I consecrate my life to you today. I pour out my life as a drink offering to you my King. The blood of your Son draws me nigh Lord and keeps me so. I do not know where to go, but I am ready, Lord send me. How to adress the pain, how to be a light in a dark place? I do not know... Lord I ask, your will be done and you be glorified.

What's in a dream?

I awoke last night letting out a feeble cry for Jesus to help me. I remember trying to form the words many times well I slept, this well the feeling of many hands holding me down taunted me. I could not break free, but I could dream... In my dream I ran out my door into the courtyard of my dorm only to see all of my possesions recklessly tossed and torn everywhere. While I was examining the remains of my ID card I looked up to see a large lizard the size of a Kamono sp. Dragon stalking towrds me. All the while there was an evil laughter in my head. I felt as though I had lost all control of my mind, as if it was being taken apart while I sat and watched it all happen. It is hard to explain this feeling of complete insanity... I have not felt so desperate for many years. If any of you have ever had a bad acid trip before you could relate to the feeling of losing control. When I finally woke up and cried "Jesus help me!" I felt as though I had won a great battle, I was scared and had to read a few chapters of the Bible to help me sleep. Not that it mattered which verses I read, the Bible was used more as a crucifix to ward off the vampires then anything.

old thoughts...

I have to wake up in two hours, but right now that does'nt matter. What truly matters is Knowing Jesus Christ. I spent the last 5 hours with my dear brother in Christ talking about everything. Russ is a radical Christian in much the same way I am. There are convictions that must be lived out in both of our lives that we spent time in passionate discourse, prayer and tears over. I have to change.... I realize that what makes me laugh and cry tell God much about my heart. So why listen to music that is obviously promoting pride, the same with movies that promote everything self-oriented? Why do I substitute caffine for sleep that I should normally get? Why do I substitute surfing the net, pornography, movies, and other books for time spent with God and His word? What is with these 8min ab videos, and diet pills, breast implants, piercings, tattoos, sugar free, fat free, low carb, abortions, birthcontrol, penis enlargement, on and on.... Everything becuase we are lazy and fools, entire industries,peoples entire lives spent on fulfilling our wants. For what? So they can make enough money to fulfill their wants in return. Thus whole cities founded on sin. Mankind outside the Mercy and Grace of God is in rebellion and desperately lost. Much of what we call "worship" is nothing more than sensationalism. The reality is that I could sing any song verse 20 times in a row and experience a euphoric feeling. So why do we conclude that is the Holy Spirit? I could hire a hyponotised to come to the church for a day and speak persuasively and cause people to fall over in place or laugh uncontrollably, but that does not mean it is the Holy Spirit. I often wonder what the appeal to Christianity is these days? Have anyone of you seen those retarded " not of this world" bracelets, or the necklaces that have a nail on them, or the generally fashionable crucifixes you can buy now? The Christian music that is cool just like the world's music? Christian books on leadership traits instead of on traits of a follower? Satan has so man tools with which to decieve us. We must remember he is the Father of lies who can masquerade as an angel of light. Satan will give you a lake of truth to hide one pint of poison. Why do women all have to expose their middriff or what ever they call the stomach region now? as well where pants that are so low you have to have a bikini wax to where them. That along with all the time in tanning booths, makeup and perfume.... Guys you are definetly guilty of all of this too... In all of this I am expressing some thoughts that pass through my mind, of course I do not go around telling people they are wrong and I am right. Perhaps those who do such things are strong in their faith are simply practicing the liberty in Christ? Much of what I wrote about I write as a challenge to Christians to try to live holy and set apart... I don't wan't to call unholy what God has called holy so feel free to rebuke me for my error....

Pensees

Spent much time over the course of my years in anguish concerning many issues. The most pressing of these issues being my sin contrasted with the holiness of God. I discovered a few startling realities upon seeking God's face. I found that my sin is not really the important issue at all. Jesus Christ died for my sins and my trust in that fact is enough. I noticed that often times I sin on purpose in order to feel anything at all, feeling the shame of my sins honestly feels better than nothing at all. This is bad only becuase as in all instances in our walk it is an indicator of my lack of trust in the Lord. Answer, realize that even my anguish over my lack of faithfulness is me trying to affirm my sovereignty in my life. All I can do is cliche as it may sound to some is constantly, daily hourly, by the min. give my all to Jesus.
It seems to me that we as Christians also do not understand fully what it means to be a Christian. What I mean is that we tend to look at things in a fragmentary manner, instead of as a whole. We look at the War in Iraq as bad, the break down of the family as bad and "Tolerance" as bad. We see God as Creator of heaven and earth, Jesus as Redeemer, and the Holy Spirit as living in our hearts. What we all seem to fail to apply, is these facts, to the whole of reality. If Christianity is true that means it is the only relevent Worldview. It means there are really only two ways to look at life. One is from the Humanistic perspective, the other Through the lens of Scripture. We must see Gods providence in every moment, contrasted with man's rebellion. There is in fact a great unbridgable chasm between the two. There is only one form of goverment ever to reflect the true nature of life accuretly, the kind based of off a Judeo-Christian tradition. Only in Christianity can there be a LEX REX form of goverment that does not have a sujective base, only in Christianity is man fully man. If you take the thinking behind abortion and follow it to it's logical conclusion you find life loses all value, if you trace Neo-Darwinism and trace it back to it's logical base you find it never has had value. In such a world who can fault Adolf Hitler or call Him unjust? Who is there to distinguish between right and wrong? Other than the powerful. Democracy fails to be democracy when conquest for democracy becomes tyranny to the "liberated". We cannot set up democracy in a Goverment without a Judeo-Christian backing becuase it will ultimately turn to a dictatorship. Those of us in America will soon learn if we have not already, that to free yourself from the shackles of the Divine is to bind yourself to the natural and and Carnal. In the name of freedom we are being stripped of every right we once held dear... and why? Becuase we have taken God out of all life and are now finding the only available replacement on the market is man. We as Christians need to see Christianity as TRUE to all of life. We need to act as if it is true in all aspects and fight on all the fronts at once. Political, Theological, Philosophical, and Sociological, as well, realize the Spiritual implications of such a War.

God is so much bigger than even our deepest sentiments. No grand rhetoric, finite platitudes, heartfelt homiletics, aestetic reasoning, or romantic verse can come close to describing the greatness of God. We get so caught up in what holiness should look like, what perfection should be that we forget to examine the life Jesus Christ lived while in our midst. We forget that he rent the veil and through Him we have communion with the Living God. God is not only in a feeling, not in a moment, not in a way of life, He is all in all and will be Lord of all. This all to say we do not meet Christ only in small moments of clarity, or pious images of kneeling before him. Yes, you will find him there, but you will find more self service in this place than anything. You will find for yourself rivers "humility" in such moments, but this is not it. Jesus Christ is Lord of all is even in the monotonous moments, in our despair, and in our deepest of loves. It is here you will meet the Lord, we cannot run, I cannot go to a monastery to find peace. The Cross is central in the Bible for a reason. In fact we learn in the word of God that the Son learned obedience by what He suffered. We learn that Jesus Christ layed down His divine power and humbled himself even unto death on a cross. Willingly! Why do we strive for so much and make so many goals outside of the Lord. Don't tell me what you want to specialize in, how many kids you want to have, what your perfect vacation is, who the perfect mate is, how much money you want to make, what your dream car is, what you want or deserve. We deserve death. The world is desperately sick! Everything is wrong! All the cities all of the T.V. shows, all the music, the way we dress, the way we joke and the way we murder. All out of pride. Guilty, we are all guilty. I don't know about you but unless I am reading a different Bible we are called to conform ourselves to His image, to take up our crosses and follow Him, to basically do what He did. He came as a light and He tells us we are a light. He came to show forth the Fathers love and tells us to do the same. I am not buying any of this doctrinal fiasco anymore. Am I pre, mid, or post trib, dispensationalist or covenant theologian, am I a cessationist or do I still believe in the gifts today, is baptism required or is it not, am I Calvinist or Arminian? There are so many more... As we debate these issues the goverment is taking over our job of Charity, the tv is blaspheming and promoting liscentious living and we call it entertainment, people are dying by the thousands we we talk of economic and social reform. Time to wake those who are sleeping, set free those who are in the bonds of sin and know Christ by being like Him in His death.

Tomorrow is a heavy load Lord when I carry it all on my back. Remove it from me Father so it's contents can be cleary seen before my eyes. My future as well as all of you, is the same as peering into the cloud of unknowing without the Son. Thankfully, the veil has been rent and the clouds parted at the consumate revelation of who You are through Jesus Christ. Help me in being Christlike by conforming myself unto His death that I might be found alive with Him. I am riddled with doubt Lord even so I have none other besides Thee. Cast down my high places clear out Your temple of all it's impurities as you did of old. In Your immutable Spirit zeal consumes like the glory of your brilliant presence burns. Lord, I feel the cold breath of the void, I see the brambles growing round to cut me off, if you do not rescue me I shall surely die. Redeem me from the depths once again if it be Your will, for Lord I cannot breath, nor see except by You. Your will and law are my delight, just please make your victory a reality in my life. I ask in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

Thank God for weekends! The time here is 12:32pm and I just woke up maybe 20min ago. I have never had a better opportunity then now to write a little something about what is up in my life. First off let me mention, one of the reasons I write so little anymore is becuase of a conviction I have had concerning my own words. You see when I really take time and read over some of my post I realize just how temporal and unrelated they are to the reality of where I truly am. What I mean to say is the words written speak volumes for the moment but very little of the condition of my heart. I am a Christian "Little Christ" and on a day to day basis I put my unrelenting faith in this knowledge and strive to live for our Lord knowing His proximity to my own heart. I am frankly sick off writing in my journal all of my frivolous doubts and fears that pass with the rising of the new sun. I am tired of looking back and regretting my words wondering whether I am doing an injustice to the Lord by them.
I suppose what I really want can never be achieved in this life time. I want to write something meaningful, words that capsulize the heartbeat of our Christian faith. I desire to be relevent to this world, for my walk and witness to make an impact, to be holy, set apart, and a royal priesthood. I believe if my words ever were to Crystallize they would loose all of there social significance. Perhaps the power of the word of God lies in the fact that it is living and active. Lies in the fact that it remains permenant and transforms the heart. Although, the bible is just words on a page, just a book, we can't but marvel that it remains yet today as a staple for history as we know it. We cannot overlook how these words on a page illuminated by the Holy Spirit are able to transcend any purpose we can tag onto it. The only limitations we can place on God and His word are those He Himself placed on Himself. If you are reading this I hope you are enjoying the ride...
On another note, I went with a couple of friends to a Christian techno house down in San Diego last night. It was techno music with scripture flashing on the screen so that as you danced you could read the word of God. Ummm... it was a little different. I do not dance but I tried it out anyway, I felt something like charlie brown. This girl I went their with Denise told me to simply find a beat and follow it, which sounded like great advice at the time until I got their. Well, it turned out to be me mercilessly attacking the air with a barrage arms legs and hips in an attempt to follow every beat at the same time. All in all, I loved it!

Same as usual, have tried many times to write sincerely as possible in my "online journal" but always delete whole pages at a time afraid of my own thoughts. I am so envious of people who go through life and can just have a routine. I read my bible now, go to work now, write now, etc. etc.
I wanted to write in detail about what the Lord has been teaching me, my time at home on vacation, my friends wedding on and on. But that is not me... I come on here when I can't sleep. When my heart is heavy with petty cares. When I just need...
Why was man still lonely after he had named all of the animals when he had God? Why can't I kill this desire in me that desires companionship? I try... My number one desire and goal in life is to give my life in the Lords service. I TRULY TRULY believe that to live is Christ and to die is gain. I have been speaking openly about God to all my coworkers, but then forsaking my own studies. I am seeking after balance. I have come to a lot of conclusions about my motives in many things in life. 1. The way I choose friends is based on what they can offer me and not how I can serve. 2. Most of my goals I strive to achieve are to in the future to set myself up for being a more eligable bachelor. 3. I am still even after all of this time foolishly hurt from my break up with my last girlfriend. 4. I have decided to finally give all of this up and live for God. I will to be eternally minded, forsaking all that is behind me casting aside any desire that is not glorifying God. Learn what it is to obey, learn what it is to love unconditionally, learn what it is to feel compassion. Lord be my strength!!!