Who I am

     I have been searching the internet all tonight looking for a good school to go too. My main hope is to get a "school cut" a school cut is a ticket out of the Marine Corps about three months early and a great way to avoid going to Iraq. I really do not want to go to Iraq at all. If I have to go I suppose I will. Do I see a point in it? No. Do I completely agree with the war? No. But none the less I will fulfill my contract and obligation that I swore to upon entering.
      It might be abundantly clear to anyone reading this, but I will state it anyway. I have no freakin' idea what I want to do with my life. The reality is that I lack almost all basic skills necesary for completing school. Most people I see online in the Blogger/Xanga domain somehow understood or were made to understand the importance of school. At the very least they made it past Algebra 1, or English comp, or maybe even a typing class.  Not me, in the years I should have been learning basic grammar and multiplication tables and what not, I was moving around.  In the years following from their I was in jail. After that point up until I graduated I just did what I had to to get by. So now I find myself in quite a predicament.... What and the hell do I do?
     Really, I feel like I would fail school if I attempt it. I am so scared of the possibility of failing that I am almost willing to put myself through the hell of more military life to avoid faillure. Scary thought. I have always been afraid to fail... I used to lose races and wrestling matches in highschool on purpose, becuase I would think to myself, what if I give everything I have and it is not good enough? I suppose I am asking the same question right now. 
      I don't need someone to reassure me that I am smart and should not have any problems. I know I am smart, I would be lying and be full of false modesty(pride) if I denied it for the sake of modesty. And in my own defense, saying that I know I am intelligent does not mean that I think myself the most intelligent or better than anyone I am simply stating a fact.  I need something I can stand on.  Perhaps a trip back through elementary school like on Billy Madison, or private tutors, or a miracle!
     In my prime I used to be able to run 5k in 16:48 and bench press 315lbs. I used to run everyday and sleep well at night, but something has changed. For some reason I only slep a few hours a night, never ever run or work out, have high blood pressure, and am chronically depressed. Now, I have never really taken well to the name it claim it campaign, maybe I am just to much of a realist. In fact, the reality is that I just hate my life as a Marine. I hate putting on my uniform everyday. I hate having to put on this show in front of people on a daily basis. I just want to be me! I want to live my damn life and enjoy some of the freedoms we are supposedly propagating in Iraq right now. This anger is as much me as anything in my life. This hatred that I habor towards God every today for my crooked teeth, my lack of education, my poor upbringing, my current job. This anger is what keeps me going. I will have to be honest with myself and admit that. The Bible preaches a Gospel that I have never lived out in my daily life, nor in my thoughts or prayer closet. This by no means goes to say that I do not Believe in Jesus Christ in every Orthodox sense of the word belief, but it does mean that I do not see the reality of Christ living in me at all. It makes much more sense to say selfish motivation has drove me this far in my life. Now guilt ridden and sin ridden, I do not know if I can do this anymore on my own strength. Help me