Sometimes words from others inspire me beyond what the writer could possibly intend them too. This is the case with the Blog entries from Sandy and Joanne I have just finished reading. Both of whom are in reality strangers to myself save one common bond I find in us all. Longing...... I am not even sure if either one of them would describe what they feel in the same way. I am even slightly ashamed of myself for prying into others thought lives to the find source of their dreams. Strangely, I find myself at a lack of words, an inability that is a large concern on my heart. How! How do I make known the deepest longings of my own heart in such an open way and not have them misunderstood? Even more, I would be a greater fool and more prone to misunderstanding if I fail to attempt.
Joanne's words touch me deeply, for the desire to rid myself of fear, inadequacy, and the desire to be one with the Lord permeate her words. Sandy's words are really much the same "I want to go home" these words which consummated her entire entry broke my heart this night. because I know only to well......I feel all at once in this blogger the man in Joanne's class asking if the world can see my darkness thanking it, than all the more one who sees beauty in writing and in nature and realizes just how very incomplete I truly am. Only when I am home will all my hurts and pains be vanquished. Only at home will the Mystery of God's creation, His vastness, and all beauty be finally reconciled and realized yet still remain Wonderful.
It is strange that I truly do feel emptied by conversing and being around other people. I think partly because I notice how very far apart we are from one another. Really, If I where to be sincere and speak my heart at all times and others would return the same...Where would we be? Could we really just let our bellies out like that for all to see? I am not sure....One thing I do think would happen is that we would all knowingly and joyfully look upon one another and say......Oh! You have one too!? As long as we are all equally afraid of the consequences, I am sad to say that I will continue going home after being with my friends feeling a dull emptiness, just knowing that for yet another night I did not live. In the Garden, Adam and Eve where naked not only before God, but before each other and not ashamed. I know that I am seeking this completeness in all my relationships. I wear my heart on my sleeve in so many friendships in the hopes that for a brief moment, someone will notice and I will not be ashamed. I foolishly hope that my best friends, my family, hopefully someday my wife will not be ashamed of exposing there own hearts and together we will understand, I wonder again if such can ever be this side of heaven.
I realize that this longing for intimacy is the reason I read so much because, authors of books are hoping for the whole world to understand them by their writings, they must expose their hearts. In moments of great joy, I truly relate to their intended meaning and no matter who or how long the author has been dead, we connect. The greatest connection ever made in my life came through the Bible...For in God's Word alone are all man's deepest longings addressed and fulfilled. In God's Word alone, is this connection living and active, for God is living and active. God is a God of revelation. When the perfect moment arrives, he comes alive in His Word to us and in these precious moments, I feel the Joy of the Lord. Lord, you said, "It is finished" and this moment I believe and pray others believe also that this is so; you are my Redeemer and my Justification. My deepest joy and my deepest pain flow from you...the mystery that you make known.

I am 23 years old today!!! God has really blessed me this year my friend Becky and I drove all the way up to San Jose, about an 8 hour drive to spend Christmas with her family. Her family is so kind and made me feel really welcome in thier home. One of Becky's brothers is a super smart guy, Valedictorian of Princeton and a staunch cold athiest. We had a very interesting talk seeing as his biggest philosophic influence has been Niechtze. I don't buy it a second when someone tells me they really believe what Niechtze has to say, I think Niechtze's Nilhism is synonymous with refinement. More for those interested in showing there intellectual prowess in denouncing God with beautiful writings. Speaking with this bright young man made me realize that knowing why I believe is so important.
Late on Christmas day Becky and I drove up to Sacramento where we met up with a bunch of other friends of Becky's. Complete strangers to me made me a birthday cake, hungout and just treated me so kindly today; I have not deserved any of it. Minuature golf, air hockey, talking about God and starbucks..... I am stoked! LORD! You never cease to amaze me, every day you bless my life with new friends and fellowship, all after a long trying spiritual drought. Nothing deep tonight just a feeling of thankfulness to God and a renewed hope. I hope everyone had a blessed Christmas whereever you may be......

AWE
Covered by a love not mine
Considered in His heart divine

Broken by this weight so great
Begotten by Him who'll consummate

Fear, awe, unbounded love
Finally, my eyes fixed up above

Mystery and Paradox, where wonder lies
Melodies, from humble lips as standing stones rise

Quintessentially three in one, distinctly so
Quietly to the cross, did our Lord go

Strength in weakness, Glory to shame
Sufficient grace to call ME! by name

Thank you Lord, You who calls me friend
Thank you Jesus, for your kingdom, without end

I have come to the verge of a breakthrough in my life. How do I put into a few words a lifetime of thought and reflection that took place in single train ride? As in most other cases I will just write and hope my heart can be known; mainly to myself. There are very few events which define my life as I know it so far. I really think that the prayer meeting for North Korea was one such event. Not only did the meeting give me a much needed chance for fellowship, the meeting also gave me a sense of direction in my life. The train ride over I was reading an essay by C.S. Lewis called Lilies that Fester. In which he speaks of how easy it is for pure things to be corrupted. His main focus where issues like; Culture, refinement, and Religion. If our motive for listening to classical music isn't becuase it stirs our hearts to transcendence or at least enjoyment then we are wrong. He means that our motive should not be purely based on attaining some status quo, or being "Cultured", but on truth.
Reading this Essay and going to the prayer meeting in and of themselves could not have possibly been the cause of my breakthrough. I give all of that glory to God my Father for His ability to speak to the heart and answer prayer. I concluded a few startling things about myself that I already knew, but am now looking at in a different light. One, I do not know myself.....I do not know what it is I am looking for in my life. Has my motivation been to deny my roots to become a man that I could and should never hope to be? Yes! Exactly what I wanted, precisely why I suffer so much. I cannot intellectualize the simple fear of rejection any longer. "SELF" Is an Idea without roots! For me to witness the suffering and attrocities that are occuring in ALL THE WORLD and continue to ask myself what will they think, is this what I want, and other such questions is to buy into a lie. God has reedeemed me from death for more pressing matters. Namely to love my brothers, make right injustices, hate evil, feed and clothe the hungry and naked, take care of widows and orphans in thier distress, spread His Gospel, and most importantly to fear and love Him with all of my heart. I do not want to be a festering lilly any longer. I want to be the same as the rest of creation in showing forth His majesty. Even more....I want to be a Son of the most High God!
I pray now for conviction and devotion, dedication and direction. I want focus in my life, the NK prayer meeting helped me realize that soon I must make a choice and give my life fully to it. I will never be a Renaissance man, but I can be faithful in the calling with which I have been called. Lord have you called me to such a strange ministry? Would North Korea need someone like me? I do not know any answers, now at last I have an Idea of the questions. I am willing to listen....So truly, truly Lord, Your will be done!

Phew!!! What are relief, I am on vacation now until the 29th of Dec. Then I go to work two days after which I am off another four days. I have to save my money for when I start College that means I am not going home for Christmas. I am bothered by this because like anyone else I just miss being around my family and friends at home. I think unlike others and very selfishly I have a different outlook. I do my time in the Marine Corps the way I would do jail time. You see for me it is easier to just focus on the task at hand. The more I call home and hear about how things are going at home, normally not the greatest, the more I will worry. This is really insensitive right? In reality it is me being concerned more about my own well being than that of my friends and family at home. Well, before I beat myself up there are more practical reasons, the fact that nothing really changes in my life, I have nothing of interest to tell them. It is normally just the facts with my family. It comes down too; "this is what so and so is doing, this is what we are doing, besides that nothing new is going on. How about yourself?" My answer sounds the same "I don't know work is the same, might go to the field soon, I really miss home I love you guys" Maybe all that is needed is that reassurance of being loved and thought about by those you love. I pray for them all in my prayers even my young cousins I hardly see on my stepmothers side of the family. So my issue isn't one of not caring I can not explain why I will just have to hope that someone reading can understand my vague intended meaning, if there is one?
Ah...... My new roommate listens to old gothic German hard rock, or something? I do not know what it is exactly, I will say it is scary. Really, I like quiet background music, preferably Christian music, classical, or Jazz. The funny thing is that I hear so much rap music now that I can tell you every different rappers name and some song (if you can call it that) he or she has. Every man I work with seems to think it necessary for me to hear about all there sexual exploits, on top of that how big of a "player" they are. The fact that I do not want to hear that sort of talk means that there is something wrong with me. I am amazed at how reality is twisted by the media and entertainment. For now I will leave that an undeveloped thought. I might go travel California aimlessly starting tonight, or at least watch The Return of the King! That I have waited for an entire year to watch. Well Just pray that if you read this that I can be a faithful ambassador to Christ and find good fellowship on Christmas.

If he could
Describe it at all,
He would be
An artist.

But if he
Were an artist,
There would be deeper wounds,
Which he could not describe.
-- E.L. Masters, from Silence

This I find to be the case with everything all beauty, heart ache, triumph, defeat, everything..... I think I understand why some poems and some stories can only stir something in you but it is always just out of reach. C.S. Lewis describes this in his book Surprised by Joy he states; "Joy is distinct not only from pleasure in general but even from aesthetic pleasure. It must have the stab, the pang, the inconsolable longing." This pain that accompanies Joy is one of the reason's I came to Christ. In Christ alone does this mystery seem to be fulfilled. In Mathew ch 6:28-30 He point's out a simple lilly in the field, He then proceeds to say that Solomon in all of his glory was not adorned as one of these. After exalting the beauty of the flower in the next breath he takes it all away by saying "If that is how God clothes the grass of the field,which is here today and tomorrow cast into the fire," I can imagine him pulling up a flower and explaining it's beauty in such a way as to bring back the joy of ones first sight of a rose. Only after to cast it away.....The real wonder of it all, is how he expands this glory unto man by concluding; "will he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?" He shows so poignently that nature should be a sign in the road, a marker indicating that the "inconsolable longing" we get from it, is not to be worshipped. In fact it indicates only that we are so much the greater becuase God created it for our enjoyment and His and as a way for us to realize His love.
I have not really left my room in about 6 weeks other than for work and I wonder why I am so depressed. I really miss having fellowship with other Christains. I never realized how essential fellowship is to our survival. I have been convicted while reading Thomas a' Kempis, Imatation of Christ of my selfishness here are the words which did it.
MY CHILD, you should give all for all, and in no way belong to yourself. You must know that self-love is more harmful to you than anything else in the world. In proportion to the love and affection you have for a thing, it will cling to you more or less. If your love is pure, simple, and well ordered, you will not be a slave to anything. Do not covet what you may not have. Do not possess anything that can hinder you or rob you of freedom.

It is strange that you do not commit yourself to Me with your whole heart, together with all that you can desire or possess. Why are you consumed with foolish sorrow? Why are you wearied with unnecessary care? Be resigned to My will and you will suffer no loss.

If you seek this or that, if you wish to be in this place or that place, to have more ease and pleasure, you will never rest or be free from care, for some defect is found in everything and everywhere someone will vex you. To obtain and multiply earthly goods, then, will not help you, but to despise them and root them out of your heart will aid. This,

understand, is true not only of money and wealth, but also of ambition for honor and desire for empty praise, all of which will pass away with this world.

The place matters little if the spirit of fervor is not there; nor will peace be lasting if it is sought from the outside; if your heart has no true foundation, that is, if you are not founded in Me, you may change, but you will not better yourself. For when occasion arises and is accepted, you will find that from which you fled and worse.
I hope the Lord continue's to guide my steps in the way that is true.

Psalms 71
14 But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
of your salvation all day long,
though I know not its measure.
16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD ;
I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.
17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
18 Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, O God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your might to all who are to come.

19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?
20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.

Geese, it has been a long time since I have last wrote in my blogger, believe me I have tried. I will spend hours at a time trying to figure out what I think or how I feel. There is a pressure I feel to please someone, to get the thumbs up from the world. I am so sick of living my life controlled by fear. Maybe it is apparent to everyone but me that I am lonely and desperately reaching out. Perhaps it is a loneliness that I keep bottled up inside, this is even a part of me I foolishly try to hide from God. I honestly don't know.... I have been saved for four years now, I am still a child. Joanne talks about being grown up in her blogger and how the years move. She was much more articulate and had more meaning to her words. By no means, do I hope to capsulize her entire meaning by my own words. Sandy, reflected upon her life up to this point, as well as brought up many points for reflection. The reflecting I have done is this; I am still a child, I am grown and in fact look very much older than my age but am lacking, I lack on the inside.
I will speak plainly now and attempt some honesty at least with myself. I compare myself with all of my friends from home and abroad and I feel joyful and heartbroken all at once. They have all accomplished so much and are moving in the right direction, they have goals for there lives. Me, on the other hand...... I am turning 23 day after Christmas and where am I? I know such comparisons are not right nor good for me to do, but regardless of whether I type it or not I still do it. So on I go..... I am way behind the power curve. Everyone I graduated with.... Well my Christian friends anyway are done with College and beginning there lives. I have not even begun that phase of my life yet. In fact, I am still licking childhood wounds. I go to sleep everynight feeling a quiet desperation, a nagging pain that never really leaves, but only deceptively subsides. You know I wrote my whole testimony out intending to put it on here. I decided against because I hate to feel that I am pitied by others. All my intellectual pursuits, all my searching, all my life has been my attempt to prove to myself that I am not what I was raised up to believe. Worthless, an Idiot, stupid, not good enough, never amount to anything, your fathers son.......On and on it goes.....This war rages within my heart. I find myself trying to ward off all attackers using my manhood, using the I am smarter than you kind of attitude, everything I do is to this end. Is this my thorn in the flesh? Or is this a pivotal moment in my existence? Lord, My God help me to understand..... Well I must cease this kind of talk, my inadequecy should not be jealously towards those I love. I know the Lord can use me to spread the gospel whether out of envy or rivalry, but I desire it to be goodwill. I desperately want to serve Him! Heavenly Father revive this your servant, help me to be obedient in speading your Gospel. I need a chance to serve you Lord. When you first revealed yourself to me, my heart was broken my pride vanished and only you remained. In these past four years I have been quietly laboring, rebuiding the Tower of Babel which you destroyed I know now I cannot build this up to you. For it was and is you who makes me to rise in the mornings, it is you who made these dead bones to live again. Your works are beyond comprehension, how far beyond knowing are You Lord. Yet, You have made this heart Your dwelling place merciful, merciful Lord you who calls me friend. I am the least of all men you know my heart. Guide my steps, remove the burden of guilt and unforgiveness and Lord if you choose not too, give me the strength to endure it's onslaught. Here is a poem from Francis Thompson he talks about God meeting him where he was at and what this experience is......If you do not care for my muddled words please read this poem, I hope it is a blessing to you

O WORLD invisible, we view thee,
O world intangible, we touch thee,
O world unknowable, we know thee,
Inapprehensible, we clutch thee!

Does the fish soar to find the ocean,
The eagle plunge to find the air--
That we ask of the stars in motion
If they have rumor of thee there?

Not where the wheeling systems darken,
And our benumbed conceiving soars!--
The drift of pinions, would we hearken,
Beats at our own clay-shuttered doors.

The angels keep their ancient places--
Turn but a stone and start a wing!
'Tis ye, 'tis your estrangèd faces,
That miss the many-splendored thing.

But (when so sad thou canst not sadder)
Cry--and upon thy so sore loss
Shall shine the traffic of Jacob's ladder
Pitched betwixt Heaven and Charing Cross.

Yea, in the night, my Soul, my daughter,
Cry--clinging to Heaven by the hems;
And lo, Christ walking on the water,
Not of Genesareth, but Thames!

Francis Thompson

I now have the SHOUT OUT Capabilities.....I have been planning on writing in my blogger for quite a while now I have something big cooking though so I need a fresh mind. Now I just need sleep.