Geese, it has been a long time since I have last wrote in my blogger, believe me I have tried. I will spend hours at a time trying to figure out what I think or how I feel. There is a pressure I feel to please someone, to get the thumbs up from the world. I am so sick of living my life controlled by fear. Maybe it is apparent to everyone but me that I am lonely and desperately reaching out. Perhaps it is a loneliness that I keep bottled up inside, this is even a part of me I foolishly try to hide from God. I honestly don't know.... I have been saved for four years now, I am still a child. Joanne talks about being grown up in her blogger and how the years move. She was much more articulate and had more meaning to her words. By no means, do I hope to capsulize her entire meaning by my own words. Sandy, reflected upon her life up to this point, as well as brought up many points for reflection. The reflecting I have done is this; I am still a child, I am grown and in fact look very much older than my age but am lacking, I lack on the inside.
I will speak plainly now and attempt some honesty at least with myself. I compare myself with all of my friends from home and abroad and I feel joyful and heartbroken all at once. They have all accomplished so much and are moving in the right direction, they have goals for there lives. Me, on the other hand...... I am turning 23 day after Christmas and where am I? I know such comparisons are not right nor good for me to do, but regardless of whether I type it or not I still do it. So on I go..... I am way behind the power curve. Everyone I graduated with.... Well my Christian friends anyway are done with College and beginning there lives. I have not even begun that phase of my life yet. In fact, I am still licking childhood wounds. I go to sleep everynight feeling a quiet desperation, a nagging pain that never really leaves, but only deceptively subsides. You know I wrote my whole testimony out intending to put it on here. I decided against because I hate to feel that I am pitied by others. All my intellectual pursuits, all my searching, all my life has been my attempt to prove to myself that I am not what I was raised up to believe. Worthless, an Idiot, stupid, not good enough, never amount to anything, your fathers son.......On and on it goes.....This war rages within my heart. I find myself trying to ward off all attackers using my manhood, using the I am smarter than you kind of attitude, everything I do is to this end. Is this my thorn in the flesh? Or is this a pivotal moment in my existence? Lord, My God help me to understand..... Well I must cease this kind of talk, my inadequecy should not be jealously towards those I love. I know the Lord can use me to spread the gospel whether out of envy or rivalry, but I desire it to be goodwill. I desperately want to serve Him! Heavenly Father revive this your servant, help me to be obedient in speading your Gospel. I need a chance to serve you Lord. When you first revealed yourself to me, my heart was broken my pride vanished and only you remained. In these past four years I have been quietly laboring, rebuiding the Tower of Babel which you destroyed I know now I cannot build this up to you. For it was and is you who makes me to rise in the mornings, it is you who made these dead bones to live again. Your works are beyond comprehension, how far beyond knowing are You Lord. Yet, You have made this heart Your dwelling place merciful, merciful Lord you who calls me friend. I am the least of all men you know my heart. Guide my steps, remove the burden of guilt and unforgiveness and Lord if you choose not too, give me the strength to endure it's onslaught. Here is a poem from Francis Thompson he talks about God meeting him where he was at and what this experience is......If you do not care for my muddled words please read this poem, I hope it is a blessing to you

O WORLD invisible, we view thee,
O world intangible, we touch thee,
O world unknowable, we know thee,
Inapprehensible, we clutch thee!

Does the fish soar to find the ocean,
The eagle plunge to find the air--
That we ask of the stars in motion
If they have rumor of thee there?

Not where the wheeling systems darken,
And our benumbed conceiving soars!--
The drift of pinions, would we hearken,
Beats at our own clay-shuttered doors.

The angels keep their ancient places--
Turn but a stone and start a wing!
'Tis ye, 'tis your estrangèd faces,
That miss the many-splendored thing.

But (when so sad thou canst not sadder)
Cry--and upon thy so sore loss
Shall shine the traffic of Jacob's ladder
Pitched betwixt Heaven and Charing Cross.

Yea, in the night, my Soul, my daughter,
Cry--clinging to Heaven by the hems;
And lo, Christ walking on the water,
Not of Genesareth, but Thames!

Francis Thompson