I have come to the verge of a breakthrough in my life. How do I put into a few words a lifetime of thought and reflection that took place in single train ride? As in most other cases I will just write and hope my heart can be known; mainly to myself. There are very few events which define my life as I know it so far. I really think that the prayer meeting for North Korea was one such event. Not only did the meeting give me a much needed chance for fellowship, the meeting also gave me a sense of direction in my life. The train ride over I was reading an essay by C.S. Lewis called Lilies that Fester. In which he speaks of how easy it is for pure things to be corrupted. His main focus where issues like; Culture, refinement, and Religion. If our motive for listening to classical music isn't becuase it stirs our hearts to transcendence or at least enjoyment then we are wrong. He means that our motive should not be purely based on attaining some status quo, or being "Cultured", but on truth.
Reading this Essay and going to the prayer meeting in and of themselves could not have possibly been the cause of my breakthrough. I give all of that glory to God my Father for His ability to speak to the heart and answer prayer. I concluded a few startling things about myself that I already knew, but am now looking at in a different light. One, I do not know myself.....I do not know what it is I am looking for in my life. Has my motivation been to deny my roots to become a man that I could and should never hope to be? Yes! Exactly what I wanted, precisely why I suffer so much. I cannot intellectualize the simple fear of rejection any longer. "SELF" Is an Idea without roots! For me to witness the suffering and attrocities that are occuring in ALL THE WORLD and continue to ask myself what will they think, is this what I want, and other such questions is to buy into a lie. God has reedeemed me from death for more pressing matters. Namely to love my brothers, make right injustices, hate evil, feed and clothe the hungry and naked, take care of widows and orphans in thier distress, spread His Gospel, and most importantly to fear and love Him with all of my heart. I do not want to be a festering lilly any longer. I want to be the same as the rest of creation in showing forth His majesty. Even more....I want to be a Son of the most High God!
I pray now for conviction and devotion, dedication and direction. I want focus in my life, the NK prayer meeting helped me realize that soon I must make a choice and give my life fully to it. I will never be a Renaissance man, but I can be faithful in the calling with which I have been called. Lord have you called me to such a strange ministry? Would North Korea need someone like me? I do not know any answers, now at last I have an Idea of the questions. I am willing to listen....So truly, truly Lord, Your will be done!