Sometimes words from others inspire me beyond what the writer could possibly intend them too. This is the case with the Blog entries from Sandy and Joanne I have just finished reading. Both of whom are in reality strangers to myself save one common bond I find in us all. Longing...... I am not even sure if either one of them would describe what they feel in the same way. I am even slightly ashamed of myself for prying into others thought lives to the find source of their dreams. Strangely, I find myself at a lack of words, an inability that is a large concern on my heart. How! How do I make known the deepest longings of my own heart in such an open way and not have them misunderstood? Even more, I would be a greater fool and more prone to misunderstanding if I fail to attempt.
Joanne's words touch me deeply, for the desire to rid myself of fear, inadequacy, and the desire to be one with the Lord permeate her words. Sandy's words are really much the same "I want to go home" these words which consummated her entire entry broke my heart this night. because I know only to well......I feel all at once in this blogger the man in Joanne's class asking if the world can see my darkness thanking it, than all the more one who sees beauty in writing and in nature and realizes just how very incomplete I truly am. Only when I am home will all my hurts and pains be vanquished. Only at home will the Mystery of God's creation, His vastness, and all beauty be finally reconciled and realized yet still remain Wonderful.
It is strange that I truly do feel emptied by conversing and being around other people. I think partly because I notice how very far apart we are from one another. Really, If I where to be sincere and speak my heart at all times and others would return the same...Where would we be? Could we really just let our bellies out like that for all to see? I am not sure....One thing I do think would happen is that we would all knowingly and joyfully look upon one another and say......Oh! You have one too!? As long as we are all equally afraid of the consequences, I am sad to say that I will continue going home after being with my friends feeling a dull emptiness, just knowing that for yet another night I did not live. In the Garden, Adam and Eve where naked not only before God, but before each other and not ashamed. I know that I am seeking this completeness in all my relationships. I wear my heart on my sleeve in so many friendships in the hopes that for a brief moment, someone will notice and I will not be ashamed. I foolishly hope that my best friends, my family, hopefully someday my wife will not be ashamed of exposing there own hearts and together we will understand, I wonder again if such can ever be this side of heaven.
I realize that this longing for intimacy is the reason I read so much because, authors of books are hoping for the whole world to understand them by their writings, they must expose their hearts. In moments of great joy, I truly relate to their intended meaning and no matter who or how long the author has been dead, we connect. The greatest connection ever made in my life came through the Bible...For in God's Word alone are all man's deepest longings addressed and fulfilled. In God's Word alone, is this connection living and active, for God is living and active. God is a God of revelation. When the perfect moment arrives, he comes alive in His Word to us and in these precious moments, I feel the Joy of the Lord. Lord, you said, "It is finished" and this moment I believe and pray others believe also that this is so; you are my Redeemer and my Justification. My deepest joy and my deepest pain flow from you...the mystery that you make known.