I was looking for a searingly honest post yesterday, when the wierd entry you see below came out. Of course for me it is my attempt to express my utter failiure at life without God and my desire to give my all to God as a living sacrifice. The problem is I can't say it right and you can't understand it becuase of that.
It feels like pent up in my heart is an answer so vast and true that it cannot be articulated properly. There is a deep despair at being unable to communicate myself. I read books on subjects in the hopes that not only will I understand, but be understood thru my understanding. I know there is a separation between my understanding of what I read and what is actually said by the author. Why can't I just see life as it is? why is my intellect such that I only see what I want? Objectivity is impossible. I am very well read, which doesn't make me intelligent, only bookish. What I learn only makes it harder to express what I already know.
My whole life has been running away from the possibility that I am not good enough. That I am not beautiful, not in the least bit perfect. There is such thing as physical beauty and it is noticable. I hate when people say they don't notice. There is real beauty outside my perception of it, just like there is a perfect pitch. Dissonence is the reality of my life, I knew it from the time I was a small child, I knew I wasn't like everyone else. My face is awkwardly unsymmetrical, which in turn has influenced the course of my life to date. You can say society thru the media has conditioned me to think I am not good enough, or I am a psychologically deficient becuase I was called ugly growing up, or whatever people are in the habit of saying these days. Yeah, I understand that I may be influenced by the Capitalist brainwashing box that makes up miscellaneous wants for me to need, that tells me I am not good enough, but, such and such a product will make me so. I am not writing about that. I am writing about perfection. There is perfect pitch on musical notes, perfect answers to mathmatical equations, perfect beauty in symmetry, a finality to truth, and a perfect purity. I also know that my physical appearance is only a small part of my makeup, that me, is something greater than just my outward appearance, that I am made up of body, soul, and spirit. Created in the image of God.
I want to say that I believe there is a purity, or symmetry if you will, to my heart, that I am honest with who I am with God and seek after the transforming power of the Holy Spirit and that I desire this so strongly I am willing to give up all else; Thus I reveal what I consider shameful, my petty fear of not being accepted because of how I look. I don't want people to know this is how I feel! I am a grown man and should be at least spiritually and intellectually past such foolishness. It is my contention that noboby, but the Spirit of God can see past imperfections and this only because He is patient enough to know that there is a butterfly in each of us if only we would endure the cocoon. He loved enough to give me a chance, who in reality doesn't deserve one. Grace. I suppose I should give up on the notion that there is such a thing as love for me, so long as I am unable to emmulate God's love to the world first. Even in saying this, I pray for more grace. I pray that someone can see through the smoke screen of personality that I have spent my life building upon my inadequecies and see me as God does. This is how I define purity. The ability to be Christlike in our acceptance of others, realizing that truly we walk amoungst immortals. That each situation we encounter in life is of infinate importance, becuase God has deemed it so. To have the intregrity to live holy and wholly for God against the vitual floodtide of opposition we encounter and all of this by trusting in the same Grace that has brought us here. Thank you Jesus for saving me. Your will be done I pray....