Being tired like I am right now is normally enough to keep me from writing in my blogger. When I am tired I write about things that are really bothering me... so here goes. In my last post if you couldn't tell the major themes are my own pride and my search for significance. As I stated I know beyond doubt that who I am is defined by the finished work of Christ. What I want to expose is where that line of thinking comes from. You see it seems like most everyone I know is finding there significant other to share in this life with. I am not jealous or angry in anyway, in fact I am joyed by this fact. This does leave a slight question mark on my own heart. I ask myself and God whether or not I am meant to have a wife? I try not to think of it, but in my mind it remains to be found out. Really, I have decided that if I am to be single I will do it for the glory of God, Iv'e decided that he is more than enough for me.
My selfishness and pride come into play is in questions like; am I good enough for a wife? Can I love as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her? In asking these questions I ask myself if I am really seeking God, truly seeking?! I do not want to be in a relationship and have doubts about whether or not I know what love is... I want true love to be an inherent part of my new nature. I want to give of who I am freely not worrying about the returns. I am scared that my love will hurt someone instead of heal. I have seen love used in this way my whole life, (not really love at all) from within my family, I am scared that in some way I might do the same. 1 John 4:18 says; There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
My doubt, my fear, and anger will never accomplish the righteous life that God desires out of me. Corrie Ten Boom, the author of The Hiding Place when experiencing hardship in the Nazi concentration camps prayed to Jesus and asked for him to take away what she could not carry. For her, it was the anger she felt towards those who held her captive. In the end she realized that those who kept her captive where the real captives.They had on the "man made manticles" of sin which so easily ensnare us. If she did not forgive them she would never be free herself, but she gave this to God for it was to heavey for her. Years later she witnessed about God's love; not only to the former concentration camp inmates, but the guards as well. When I read that I realized that it is not giving up on my thoughts about marriage, and about my issue with pure love, it is giving them up to Christ that is important. If I start to sound like a broken record in the weeks and years to come it is becuase I am a slow learner. I will continuely be saying; "Oh... Lord Jesus, you can carry this too?" as I hand the fragments of my broken heart to my Lord who is able.
I have only had one girlfreind in my life, whom I truly loved, or thought that I did. I remember always being afraid of what books she was reading, and what classes she took in school. I never said any of this to her I didn't want to sound like a psycho. But there remained a part of me that was so afraid that if she spend her time reading secular books that her relationship with Christ would suffer. It only seemed natural that your whole focus should be for the glory of God and nothing else should matter. I realize that I am not perfect though, and in this realization understood that I was being controlling. I never acted on these thoughts of asking her not to be or do certain things at least I hope I didn't. The realization that I thought like my father in this area scared me enough to make me doubt whether I should ever attempt to be in a relationship. Again Lord, I ask you to take this fear from me also, I cast all my cares upon you Lord, this moment I lay all of these burdens down at your feet. Take from me all my unrighteousness and make me acceptable in your sight. I love you Jesus, and I thank you for all of your great and many mercies. Well enough out of me. If you read this please pray that the Lord supplies the strength I need to give all of these things to Him.